Saturday, April 18, 2009

A rambling spewing of my thoughts

Do you ever feel like things are spiraling out of control? Like there are just too many crises? Like you will never get everything done? Like you never have time to do what you really WANT to do?

That is kind of where I am at these last couple months.

And it has gotten ‘worse’.

For the past 5 or 6 years I’ve lived with at least a low level of being ‘overwhelmed’ by everything I ‘should’ be doing.

Over the summer, I was able to mostly ‘shed’ that feeling because I accomplished the decluttering and cleaning of the main floor of my house. It felt good to have things simplified and in order and easier to clean.

However, I wanted to have the basement done before May. I haven’t even started. And now, it is nearing time to plant a garden, prepare the root cellar for storage, and make my deck look nice by planting flowers in the containers.

Add to those things, it is tax season (one of my most hated times of year) and I am behind. I do ‘the books’ for my husband’s company (which is him and I) but unfortunately, I do not do them regularly because I struggle so much with thinking like a bookkeeper. I just cannot make my mind work along the paths that you must take in order to do a good job as an accountant or bookkeeper. Consequently….. well, never mind. Suffice it to say that tax season is always super stressful and busy for me.

If those things weren’t enough, there have been family crises ….. one on top of the other.

The current ones involve:

one son not getting enough work to pay his bills this month…..

another son whose job does not cover all his expenses so his wife has to run a dayhome – for which they are having trouble finding ‘clients’

a daughter who had gall bladder surgery one week and began to care for a 2 year old all day the next week (on top of her own 4 children)

a grandson who has been sick for 9 weeks, had pneumonia last week and now that his lungs are clear, has an ear infection… is on the 10th percentile for weight since he’s lost weight while sick, and won’t eat much of anything

a pregnant daughter who, although at 6 months pregnant has NOT gained any weight due to intense nausea every day and who began having ‘contraction type pains’ yesterday

all on top of the ongoing issue that seems to have no good outcome, outside of God doing a miracle.

A nephew who seems bent on breaking his mother’s heart at every turn….making bad decisions, and now reaping the hard consequences (including getting kicked out of school in his graduating year)

Some days I feel like I have a houseful of little kids again, all needing me for something, except their bedrooms are a half hour apart.

I look around at my home and wonder why I cannot get a handle on a routine – so that the laundry gets done regularly, the dusting gets done weekly, etc. Really, it is not so hard to keep clean –especially when there are only 2 of us living here – and it doesn’t look messy/dirty until you look closely….but I’d like to feel like I had an hour or two every day to just do housework.

I sit by an art table daily, when I am at my computer…..wishing I had time to scrapbook or paint or draw.

I sit at my computer, enjoying the online communities I am part of, and wish I didn’t feel guilty sitting here – but knowing that this community, especially, is important to my health and well being. I would really go nuts if I couldn’t write about what is happening in my life and in my head.

There are many blessings in my life – things for which I am truly thankful and which I enjoy greatly. In fact, one of the things I do every week is write a post on Fridays about those things that blessed me during the previous 7 days. (check out my ‘other’ blog on Fridays for that post)

Mostly, I have a happy life and I feel truly blessed – but lately, it just seems that every time I turn around something is going wrong and someone needs me to be there for them.

My weight has gone up and down in the last couple months – never getting below a certain point. My efforts have been up and down, as well – some days I almost don’t care (I said almost) but most days I care enough to think before I eat. What is happening most of the time is that I am resigned to not losing for a little while – until I either get used to the current level of stress or things get back to a bit more of a ‘normal’ level.

Well, this has been a rambling spewing of my thoughts – I don’t know if they make much sense, but my time limit on the computer has come and gone so I must quit this – I need to work on taxes then everyone is coming over for a birthday celebration – our oldest son turned 31 yesterday. Lana is bringing lasagne and cake, but I am making a healthier version of lasagna for Jim and I, as well as supplying the salad and drinks for everyone – and I am out of my homemade soup – I’d like to get that made today as well. After the birthday party, we are going to pull out the slide projector and look at slides (something we haven’t done for several years but enjoy greatly)…..that is, we will if Jim gets the new curtains hung on the front window this afternoon. We love the open, non covered window which lets in all the sunlight and lets us enjoy the view across the fields, but it does not get dark enough with an uncovered window until after 9 pm to watch slides. Later in the summer, it won’t be dark enough until almost midnight. The curtains are only so we can watch slides in the summer when Dad is actually home and we get together more often. Just doesn’t seem to happen in the winter when it is dark before supper time.

OK, that was more rambling. Time to go for sure, now.

I’ve been around, BTW….reading, at least – even if I haven’t been posting or commenting.


Heather said...

I feel like that just about every day! if only there were more minutes in a day (or more minutes for things you want to do vs things you have to do).

Lyn said...

Oh Karyn, I totally could have written this post. I think we are so alike in a lot of ways. It's like you went in my head and blogged for me today.

I hope you can get out from under that stressed feeling. I wish we were neighbors because I would love to do laundry together :)

Be well, & know you're in my thoughts.

Lyn said...

I meant to tell you that I had the same debilitating, never ending nausea for my pregnancies, until I had a doctor who told me to take a B6 supplement IN ADDITION TO my prenatal vitamin. After I started taking that daily, the nausea went away. It was like a miracle. Please mention this to your daughter and see if her dr would be ok with her trying it! You can google it for more info... it worked with several of my pregnancies.

~TMcGee~ said...

Karyn, if I lived near you, I'd be over in a heartbeat to help you clean and organize (I love doing that sort of stuff). I really hope things get back to some form of normalcy for you and your family. I know it's taking a toll on you. Hugs my friend, I'm praying for you.

SeaShore said...

No wonder you feel overwhelmed. That's a lot to deal with! You and your family are in my thoughts.

For the household routine, have you ever tried

MizFit said...

**raises hand**

I one HUNDRED PERCENT relate to the feeling as though you are jugging so many balls one is BOUND to slam to the ground much so I have an upcoming post on literally juggling :)

bbubblyb said...

I'm with everyone else, I totally relate and I'm even home recovering the past few weeks. I've found I always get everything done I need to eventually as I'm sure you do. I guess it's about trying not to drive yourself crazy thinking about everything that needs done. Hope you enjoyed your son's party. Sometimes I think we just have to let some things go and focus on the things that mean the most. Hang in there.