Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Weigh in

I've had a pretty good week, food wise. I stayed the same wieght every day until this morning when the numbers finally moved down by .6 I'll take it....any movement down is better than staying the same.

I decided to make some changes in my food routine this week. Instead of starting each day with a FF SF yogurt and fruit smoothie, I've been starting with oatmeal (2 carbs). I made this decision simply because I wanted to get back to having oatmeal daily for the heart benefits, but I've found that I do not get hungry a few hours later as I do when I start with a smoothie, which has been a welcome side benefit. I've been having my smoothie later in the day/evening when I tend to crave something sweet anyway.

Also, I've decided that eating the same thing every day is nothing but being lazy - I don't have to think about what to eat and I don't have to do alot of cooking for myself. So, I've also started to have my soup less often and instead make myself a 'real' meal at suppertime - as in, meat, vegetables, and salad. This makes it easier to get all my exchanges 'in' and also beats down those 'munchie' feelings that I sometimes get at night.

In case I haven't mentioned it before, my habit has been:
Smoothie in the morning
Chicken sandwich or salad at lunch
Taco Soup at suppertime
sometimes I'd also have a salad in the evening, if I was hungry

My youngest son is moving back home tomorrow night.....he's been living with his sister and BIL in town but they are moving to a place where they will not have room for him until the end of next month. By then, he will be off to Montana where he will be doing the Discipleship Training School with Youth With A Mission. He will only be home for a month, but by the time he is gone, Jim will be home for an extended period while the oil patch is 'shut down' until the frost is all out of the ground. (While the ground is thawing, heavy equipment cannot be moved on roads or the roads will be damaged....therefore, he will have no work for at least a month - usually longer). Anyway, I say all that to say that I will have someone to cook for most evenings which will help in my own desire to quit being lazy about my meals.

I've been trying to find a way to do all the blog reading and posting that I want to do without taking away from the other 'regular' things of life. It doesn't help that I maintain 3 blogs (see the 'contact me' gadget on the right of my blog for links to my other blogs). So, if I seem to be MIA, it is only that I am trying to find a balance.

Well, that being said, I must tear myself away from here and go do some real work. Also need to call my daughter to check on their progress with packing and moving - and, they had an ultrasound today.....need to check on my growing grandbaby and hopefully find out if it is a he or a she.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Weigh In report

Just a quick (I hope) report on my weigh in this week.

This morning I weighed in at 207.2 which is a 1.4 loss.

I exercised (of some sort) 4 days this week. My workouts cannot even be termed "workouts" by anyone who is seriously into working out, but I will make a mark on the 'victory' side to just say that I did something 4 out of 7 days this week.

There were no major deviations from my plan this week - except that I have not had enough vegetables (fibre) in the last 2 days. If I had, my weight loss this week likely would have been more.....if you know what I mean.

All in all, a good week!

I do not have much time this morning, so I'll save you from my usual rambling pontifications.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Mind Game

What happened last winter that started me on a mostly successful road to healthy eating?

It was a feeling of despair, yes, but more than that, it was a realization that I DESERVED to have a better life than the one I was giving myself. I deserved to be happy with myself.

How did I come to this point?

I’ve been thinking about it….it was not so much how did I get so fat that I was despondent about it – I’d been there many, many times in the past, after all.

I think the process actually started about 3 years before when I finally took my hands off my eyes and admitted to myself just how fat I was.

That is, I wasn’t just whining because I ‘looked so fat and ugly’ – I actually clinically admitted that I was way past overweight – even past fat – and into obese. I admitted to myself that my weight was stealing happiness and experiences from me. I started to use the words fat and obese honestly in regard to myself. Previously, I had been ‘politely’ using words like overweight and heavy or big.

Being the Queen of Procrastination, I had put off actually admitting to myself just how much of a problem my weight really was. I had admitted that my self-hatred was a negative aspect of my life, but I had never really confessed to myself that I was obese. I did not let myself see that my weight affected such basics of my life as sleep, energy, and hygiene.

When I finally used the word ‘fat’ and described my body the way it was, suddenly I was not so defensive and sensitive about anyone else alluding to my problem. It was no longer the elephant in the living room, so to speak.

I wrote about two experiences I had that related to my weight….and I gave those ‘essays’ to some of my kids to read! NEVER had I talked so honestly to anyone about what it felt like to be me in this body. The responses I got were so supportive and understanding, that I suddenly felt free to accept me just as I was. It was as if all those years I had been thinking that no one else noticed how fat I was or how difficult it was to be fat so I had to pretend the problem was much smaller than it was.

The two experiences I wrote about happened within days of each other in the fall of 2005. The blinders had been ripped off my eyes and I was face to face with how big my problem really was. (pun intended) These experiences were painful and humiliating, but they did serve a purpose.

Slowly, as I began to accept the sad truth, I began to try to see myself as others saw me – not the strangers who maybe saw a fat slob, but my family and friends. Many people loved me and, in fact, thought I was quite wonderful. I started to accept their love and appreciation in a new way – which allowed me to begin to actually like myself….ALL of me, not just bits and pieces. I still did not like to be fat, but I started to try not to let that color my relationships or my activities.

I tried to watch what I ate, and not stress about ‘diets’…..I began to learn about nutrition and how to eat healthier….of course, the fact that Jim was told his cholesterol was very high was a big stimulus for that, but I began to benefit as well. I actually lost about 15 pounds – without trying – by the spring of 2007. I had been faithful in walking on my treadmill for about a month before we embarked on a month long road trip through many of the states. I planned our trip to include some sort of hike/walk every day and I took many extra steps in order to get a good photo….often climbing on something or stooping down…..I was more active than I had been in a long time – even though we spent most of our trip sitting in the truck. We even climbed a volcano! I thought I was going to die, but I made it to the top and then back down. I got home from 30 days of eating in restaraunts having lost about 3 pounds. Not bad.

Within a few months, we were unexpectedly moving to Louisiana. There was a lot of stress involved in this move – the biggest being leaving our family behind indefinitely. We lived in our 5th wheel trailer, which, while being large for an RV, is quite small for a house. Jim was gone most days by 6 am and then often worked until 8 pm or even later (like all night) for the first 6 weeks or so. Housework didn’t take long…..I knew no one…..I didn’t have a vehicle for the first month…..I missed my kids and my friends……so I spent a whole lot of time sitting on my butt in front of the computer – it was my main connection to home. I did walk to the grocery store every day, but I got into the habit of buying a chocolate bar on every trip. When I am bored, I tend to eat.

By the time Dec 13 rolled around, we had been down south for about 7 weeks and I had GAINED 5 pounds – in spite of walking more than I had in many years! This is when I decided enough was enough. I actually took stock of all the ways being fat affected my life (well, probably not all of the ways, but many) and I decided that I was worth enough to myself to change things. Getting help was not so much because I did not think I was good enough to be able to do it alone, but because I thought enough of myself by then to do whatever was necessary. Even though I had a hard time believing any plan would work for me, I knew that I was worth the effort.

To sum up…..

first I had to quit pretending I was not as fat as I was – I had to be honest with myself.

Second, I had to accept myself for what I was….fat and all.

Third, I had to admit to others that I knew I was very fat.

Fourth, I had to let all these mind changes simmer for awhile until, to my surprise, I found out that I liked myself enough to make the effort it would take to make real changes in my life.

My weight loss is much slower than I thought it would be, but I’m OK with that… is an adventure, really…..I like being surprised by the changes in my body and in my outlook on life – if I lost it all in a year, those surprises would have happened very quickly – and ended quickly too.

One of the reasons I have been pondering this process is because of the exercise issue.

Except when I was going to Curves, exercise has always been something I HAD to do in order to lose weight. My Curves experience was fun…I loved the workout and my gym was very social – the staff kept people talking and having a good time – even while making sure we were working hard.

Unfortunately, going to the gym requires a full hour of driving and a minimum of 45 minutes at the gym – then, because I’m in town, there is always some other errand to take care of so I was spending at least 3 hours every day going to the gym. As well, there were times that I had to consider the price of fuel to drive that much and now, with the future of Jim’s job being very shaky, we have decided that there is no way we can afford for me to begin to go again.

So, I’m back to working out at home……something that has always been a chore – no matter what fancy equipment Jim has purchased for me (at my request.)

I do not want exercise to be a chore….I want to enjoy it, to look forward to it, to crave it. I want to be strong, have endurance. I want to have the increased energy a fit body would give me and, as icing on the cake, I want to look firm, fit, and sexy (or as sexy as an 'almost old' lady can).

How do I get there?

It isn’t going to happen just because I force myself to do something 3 times a week. (I don’t want to have to force it, remember) I might reap the benefits of exercise, but I would still hate it and as soon as something came up to derail the routine (and something always comes up) I would be back to avoiding it.

One of the best tools I used when I began to eat carefully, was visualization…..identifying the things that would change as I began to get smaller. I still do this from time to time - and have the added tool of marking 'milestones' as I call the changes in my life. I pay attention to these things and remind myself often what has changed. (For example, I notice my pearls hanging in an oval instead of a circle - every time I look in the mirror. That always makes me smile)

In the book I am reading, “Does this Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat”, the author repeatedly asks the question “What do you want your life to look like?” This is just a different way of doing exactly what I did before I started to lose weight.

I think this is what I need to do…..identify the things I will get out of incorporating exercise/working out into my everyday life. Identify HOW I can do it, but mostly what differences it will make in my life.

I’ve been flirting with working out for some months now…..I wonder if I am to the point where I am ready for a relationship?

At any rate, I’ve realized that my path to taking the final step toward permanent weight loss took time and that the way to permanent activity/physical fitness will be similar….maybe I’m there, maybe not…but I have a feeling I’m close.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

32 years

Thirty Two years ago today I married my best friend. We were 19 years old and had been dating for 4 years already.

The smartest thing I've ever done.
We are not in the same place for this anniversary (as has often happened in the past, given that February is in the middle of his busiest season) but Mr Wonderful has made me feel as special as if he was bringing home roses and taking me for a fancy supper.
First, he texted me several little love notes first thing this morning......and in the last few minutes, I recieved 3 picture messages on my phone - he had drawn a picture of flowers in a vase and wrote a sweet love note beside it, took photos and sent it to my phone.
He is so romantic.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Weigh In

OK, I've been putting this off long enough.

I have to report a gain.....a significant gain. 1.6 pounds to be exact. My weight this morning is 208.6.

It could have been worse because yesterday, I weighed in at 211.0 I was mad! And a little confused, until I read back in my food journal.

I eat basically the same things every day......a smoothie for breakfast that takes up all my dairy and fruit for the day, a chicken sandwich for lunch that uses half a protein, 2 carbs and 1 fat, then usually a big bowl of Taco Soup (1 protien, 1 carb, and 2 veggies). I'll usually add a big lettuce salad later on to give me the rest of my veggies and a good bit of fibre and another fat. Sometimes, I will have a regular supper instead of the soup- usually a bison burger on a flatbread bun along with a big salad. Since I am usually eating alone, this routine saves me from thinking about what to eat and also from cooking. Oh, yes....the LA Weight Loss plan includes 2 bars every day. I haven't gone to the center for ages to pick up my bars so I've been using SlimFast bars (200 cal ea) I have 2 of these each day, as well.

These were the differences this week:

1) I had lunch on Friday with 2 of my sons and 1 of my daughters. I ordered a chicken pita with a side salad. There was far more lettuce than chicken on the pita and the dressing was tzatziki so I really did not think it was too far off plan, if at all.

sidenote: It was announced at this meal that I was getting a new grandbaby at the end of September! Yes, Michael and Victoria are pregnant! Kaden will be a big brother. This is grandchild number 8 for us. We are very excited.

2) Jim came home Friday night and was home until Tuesday night. I did not alter my meals on his behalf.....I cooked whatever he wanted for him and ate my usual meals.

3) Sunday, I baked some cookies for Jim to take back to work with him. I ate one cookie after they were baked and had probably 2 or 3 before they went into the oven. Bad, Bad, Bad.

4) Monday I had a hungry day. I just couldn't feel satisfied, no matter what. I was so hungry in the evening I couldn't ignore it. I still had a carb left, so I had 10 Kashi crackers and some salsa. I was still not satisfied, so I had 5 more crackers for another 1/2 carb. I also had two Cadbury Thin Chocolate bars (100 cal ea) As well, I had an extra protein that day because I had soup plus a Bison Burger.

5) Yesterday, I was not hungry and ate normally again - in fact, by bedtime, I still had not had 1 protein, 2 veggies, and 1 carb so I was under for the day. I figured that might balance my hungry day on Monday.

I did not do too bad on water all week.....sometimes even getting in the whole 8 cups but yesterday I only had 1 full bottle of water. (2 cups)

I did not get on the treadmill this week, but I've been doing counter pushups every morning. I am up to 40.

I also did my Pilates Core Fusion DVD one day........I like it. The exercises are simple, but not easy! I think I can get into this. I did 4 of the 5 workouts on Thursday then, as I said, Jim came home. For some reason, I do not want to do any kind of workout in front of him. What is with that? I haven't thought about it enough to analyze my neurosis about this, maybe I'm embarassed at how unfit I am - how clumsily I do the moves - or how much of a contrast there is between me and the instructors on the TV.

When I was standing in line at the bank on Friday, I did some of the Pilates moves that target the thighs and butt (modified so it wasn't obvious).....I am a person of contradictions, for sure.

I was a little sore on Friday and by that night, I was in such pain I had trouble sleeping! Saturday I could barely lower myself to sit on the toilet, my thighs hurt so much. When Jim moved in bed and accidently touched my leg I just about hollered!

This kind of pain is meant that I had really worked my muscles. But it also meant that even if I could get past the silliness of not wanting to exercise 'in front' of my husband, I probably couldn't have. Monday the pain was gone and I should have done it again - but instead, I just spent a quiet day with my hubby - watching all the equipment neccessary for drilling a Coalbed Methane Well move in and set up in the field across the road from us. Since this is our livlihood, we are both quite familiar with the equipment being trucked past our front window. Jim, of course, is intimately familiar and was analyzing how deep the well would be and if it was horizontal or vertical - based on what was going past the house. (I've posted a few photos on my "Project 365" blog if you are interested.)

So, that is my week. I didn't think my few transgressions added up to so many - I should have been looking back in my food journal every day to realize that one day of bad bad bad was being added to another day of not so good. Back to boring but effective for me.....and another shot at the Pilates DVD.

On another personal DIL 'found' this blog and asked me if I was comfortable with her reading it. A few months ago, I may have said no, but now I can honestly say "Welcome, Victoria!" Hopefully, she will leave some comments so y'all can say hi to her. :D My daughter Kathryn and my hubby Jim are the only other family members that I know of that read this blog. (Kathryn posts as 'vinjath' or something like that).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Why I am Fat

Guess what!? I just learned why people are fat.

Apparently, there was a study done with university was found that the ones who did "heavy thinking" tended to eat more and were therefore heavier than others.

So there you have it....I'm fat because I'm smart!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. LOL

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Weigh In

Well, it is "Weighty Wednesday" again. LOL

I weighed in this morning at 207.0......a loss of 1.4! Yipee!

I did much better at my water intake this week - meeting my goal of 4 bottles (500 ml each) per day most days.

I did not get on the treadmill even once, however....and I cannot find my workout DVD that uses resistance bands. I can find the bands, but not the DVD. It is not like it would be likely to be anywhere but near a DVD player.......I know when I last used it (when I was in Louisiana) therefore, it should be in the trailer - and the trailer is not that big that there could be many places for it to 'hide'. I wouldn't have lent it out without the is a mystery. One that I don't need solved in order to do strength training. I can use the bands without the DVD....goodness knows, there are instructions for exercises everywhere you look. (BTW...MisFit was guest poster on Escape From Obesity today.....she posted a video of simple strength training exercises using I really have no excuse!) Also, I got the 'Core Fusion Pilates Plus' DVD that I ordered in the mail last week.

I've never been very good about working out at home - driving half an hour to town and going to Curves worked for me for a long time - and I enjoyed the workout. However, with the downturn in the Oil Patch, we are looking at a very lean spring/summer and have decided to cancel my membership there (not that I've been using it since spring anyway).

So, it is time to be my own gym. I am well equipped to do so....I have a treadmill and an elliptical machine.....resistance bands in 3 tensions.....a DVD that I can find......a DVD somewhere else......a step and the DVD to go with it......the boys even left their weights and bench in the basement when they moved out (just have to clean the basement enough to find them) I have no excuse except that I procrastinate and I never seem to have enough hours in my day.

Procrastination is the biggest problem in my life.....all aspects of my life. In this case, I just put off actually exercising until it is really too late or there are other things that are really pressing. Once I get started on a routine, I look forward to it and do not is just getting going.

Lack of discipline is part of procrastination and I have that in spades as well. For example....if I would go to bed and go to sleep (as in, don't read half the night) before midnight I could get up early enough to start my day with exercise. Morning is when I do best with exercise - it gives me more energy and motivation for the rest of my day.

Sorry for all the rambling....I think best with my fingers and writing out my thoughts solidifies them for me.

All that being said, I now have no morning left since I stayed up too late last night and therefore slept away most of the morning.....I will have to fit all my errands and chores into the afternoon and early evening.

I promise to get on the treadmill today and go to sleep before midnight so I can get up before 8 am and start my day with a workout (after I eat my breakfast).

In spite of spinning my wheels where exercise is concerned, I AM making progress weight wise. I am feeling stronger, smaller, more confident.........I can only imagine how I will feel when I actually reach goal! If I feel so much better about me before I even lose half the weight I want to lose.......what is in store during this next year? It is exciting to think about.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the planet......just trying to fit more into my days.

I have an NSV to report.

Yesterday, as I went down the basement to put some laundry into the dryer, I was suprised and elated to discover that I was RUNNING DOWN the stairs!!!

I've been running UP the stairs for some months now, but going DOWN has been very slow. I had recently progressed from stopping on each stair to walking down very slowly and carefully.

Suddenly I can RUN down the stairs? Glory Be!

When I was almost 50 pounds heavier, I felt so unbalanced and top heavy that I always felt like I would fall if I didn't take one stair at a time. I was also very aware that if I did ever fall (even just from my feet to the ground) that my extra weight could/would cause extra injury.

Most of the time, I am alone - a half hour from any town. My nearest family member is my sister....they are only 3 miles away, when they are home....but they both work LONG hours so the only time they would be available in an emergency would be later in the evenings or possibly on a Sunday. Because of this fact, I am extra careful not to fall or otherwise cause myself injury. Could be why running down the stairs has been so long in coming.

The thing is, I didn't even think about it! I was half way down the stairs before I even realized what I was doing!

I was as excited about this feat as if I had lost 5 pounds in one week!