Saturday, April 24, 2010

Weighing in.

I've chosen Fridays as my Weigh-In here is my report for the past week.

Between Friday last and yesterday, I GAINED .4 pounds, bringing me to 223.7. Getting serious has not resulted in big changes on the scale this time.

However......I determined to be even more careful yesterday.

I did real well until my sick husband asked me to make him a chocolate cake. I licked the spoon, which wasn't real serious.....but then I made the icing. I make great icing and of course I had to taste it as I went along to see when to stop adding icing sugar. By then, I'd opened the door to the sugar monster. I had several more 'tastes' of the icing while the cake was baking - but I shoved it aside and put it out of my mind while I began to make supper.

After supper I cut Jim a big piece of cake, added some ice cream, and then cut myself a small (less than 1 inch square) piece with half a scoop of ice cream. Oh, it was good! And it was enough. For then.

Vinjelu and Kathryn came out after supper to bring some of their things prior to moving in here next week. They were also leaving Seth here since I am babysitting him today while his parents are at a marriage seminar.

Seth, however, wasn't too happy about being left behind and I resorted to bribery to get him to stop crying for his mommy and daddy. What did I bribe him with?

You got it....Cake. (Well, he was actually ASKING for cake since his daddy went home with a piece)

Of course, he didn't eat every bite, so I finished it off for him.

Later, when Seth was asleep and Jim came out to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, I ate some of the leftover supper (hamburger and vegetables with Thai flavorings) - just a few bites, but it was beyond my 'plan'.

I went to bed, sure that the scale would be up in the morning after all my licks, tastes, and picking.

I was wrong.

I am DOWN 1.5 lbs this morning! The scale said 222.2.

Of course, the only numbers that REALLY count are the ones on Fridays.

But that doesn't stop me from being encouraged TODAY!

I will be leaving in less than an hour to go babysit my other 2 year old grandson and his 6 month old sister in the city. At this point, my plan is to take Seth with me (also 2 years old). Since Jim is quite sick, I will be the sole 'sitter for two 2 year olds and a nursing baby.

Should be fun.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Part of the Journey

As I read back over the posts I've written to document this journey I am on, I am excited to discover something......

Even though I have gained back some of those hard-fought-for lost pounds, I AM different.

I've just been reading the post I wrote about "Learning to Live" in Sept. 08. In this post, I document the 'mindset' differences I was experiencing on THIS journey as compared to the thousands of other false starts I had made throughout my life.

I realized something very mindset is, at this moment, still different. Let me show you:

Other ten thousand times....."Here I go again, trying to lose weight. I failed in my last attempt, but if at first you don't succeed, try, try again...and again...and again."

This time......"This has been a setback, yes, but it is all part of the SAME journey. I did not expect the road to be without twists and turns, hills, potholes, and even sinkholes and detours. This is life. A little detour has not thrown me off course....I'm still headed toward the same destination. I've never gotten off the path, really. I'll get there sooner or later and I can enjoy the scenery along the way. It is not a race, it is a journey. I always enjoy the 'scenic' route better than the interstate, anyway."

I recognize that I am wiser than I was when I began more than 2 years ago....even if I'm not a whole lot smaller.

This is more of a victory for me than you might think. To realize I am not 'starting again' but am 'continuing on'. To realize that stalling out and even backtracking is all part of the journey.

I will be offering a giveaway in the next week or so......a book that I am reviewing. Watch for it.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Picking Myself Up.....Again

I'm still hanging in here......

Actually, I've become serious again.

I had to.

The scales do not lie....even when I can still lie to myself.

I was feeling fat(ter). I thought my jeans were feeling tight. I felt like nothing fit right.

I could not see any beauty in myself again.

BUT....I told myself I was just 'feeling' like this.....I was beating myself up.....going back to my old habits of hating myself.


I really was fatter. My jeans really are tight. My clothes really don't fit as well.

The scales confirmed all my feelings of being fat again.

As I've stated before, the numbers went up to 225 point something.

That is a setback of TWO years! Not that I accomplished much in this past year, except maintaining.

Time to quit fooling around.

Time to be serious.

So.....As of April 9, I've been recording my weight, and writing down everything I'm eating and drinking. In short, I'm back on my 'plan'.

I'm not saying I've been completely faithful to the plan, but at least I can see where I am straying because I'm writing everything down!!!!

April 9 was a Friday. I weighed in at 222.6. The next Friday, I weighed 222.3 a loss of .3.

Today, I am at 222.6 again....but that is after going up to 225.3 on Sunday and coming down steadily since then.

I am a little scared.....not confident at all about myself and the 'success' of my efforts.

I learned something since Dec 2007........most of the ability to change your eating/activity habits have to do with changing the way you THINK.....largely the way you think about yourself. At least, that is what I found was true with me.

Go back to the beginning of this post.

I said I could not see any beauty in myself again. I was falling into my old habits of hating myself.

THIS is my biggest enemy.

Not chocolate. Not portion sizes. Not nachos and cheese.

The way I see myself.

When I get overwhelmed with responsibilites, emotion, unfinished work.....all of the above......I stall. I tend to do nothing, resulting in a bigger feeling of being overwhelmed which makes me feel like a big fat failure because I cannot get anything done.

It is a destructive cycle. And when I am stuck in it, I not only do not get anything done, I do not take care of myself because I am such a 'failure'........

And what do I do when I am in this cycle? I wear the same thing every day because I do not want to feel uncomfortable. And because I want comfort, I probably wear clothes that are on the baggy side and are not flattering. This makes me feel unattractive which leads me to neglect my hair and make up which makes me feel even more unattractive. Then I start to soothe myself with 'treats'.......or worse, I mindlessly eat.

This cylce is part of the reason I've allowed myself to gain back nearly twenty pounds from my lowest weight. Actually, to be fair......the cycle is mostly to blame for the last 10 pounds which has been gained over the last couple months. My lowest weight was a one day occurance so it isn't really fair to me to count it, considering I weigh daily and my weight fluctuates. So.....take 3 pounds off what I've gained.

I am determined to ignore the voices that tell me how I am not getting anything done.....I am a failure.....I am ugly...................


I will just focus on one thing at at time.

PLUS my eating.

One of the things I am doing is going back over my posts on this blog. I want to recapture the truths that I learned.....the victories I achieved and recorded......I want to learn from myself and be inspired.

I've also been reading some journal entries and I realize something.

I need to write about what I am thinking, going through, feeling. This is how I process.

I've neglected that part of me in favor of .....what? I'm not sure.

So....another overhaul of my life.

The positive things are this......
  • I am still 30 pounds less than when I first began this journey.
  • My home is free of unhealthy snacks (at least, for the most part) and full of healthy, real food.
  • My closets and cupboards are clean and organized
  • my basement is (almost) has gone from being literally stuffed with junk to being organized and clean......only a few more things to be reorganized once there are more shelves built (my son has been building the shelving but he was gone for a month)
  • My taxes are still up to date (although I have only a week or so to file on time for this year)
  • My tastes have changed.....I no longer crave red meat but rather prefer chicken (I thought this would never happen when I started)
  • I have proven to myself that I CAN take control! I do not have to be overwhelmed.

ONE of the things will be to participate more regularly in this community. I hope to be making friends with those of you who have stopped by this blog to which I have been unfaithful. I know you will be part of my continued success.