I hate looking in the mirror and seeing someone else. It is like that face isn’t mine. Oh, my face is in there, somewhere, all covered with layers of fat – but that isn’t me that you see. It only looks a little like me – an idea of what I would look like if I was visible.
Maybe that is why so many people "in my condition" become so introverted and self-conscious – because we feel like we have disappeared. The real me is lost somewhere under all these layers. Those who become the “jolly fat guy/girl” are those who deal with this loss by trying harder and harder to keep the real person at the forefront. It is all the same, though. We are all suffering a loss of our real selves.
I have heard or read people say that as they are losing weight, they will look in a mirror and be startled, wondering “who is that?” I think I will look in a mirror and be happy to see me again – I plan to have a ‘welcome back party’ for me as soon as I can begin to see me. When my glasses are too big for my face, I will happily buy another, smaller pair. Some days, I am more anxious to lose weight in my face than anywhere else.
What will I look like? I haven’t seen me for at least 20 years. How have I aged? Will I have wrinkles where there are none now? I don’t care, I just want to see me again.
Back to today…..
Like many people, my computer’s screensaver is set to display photos from my files. One of the photos of me that pops up occasionally is from May, 2007. Although I have avoided having my picture taken, and usually hated the results when someone did manage to get the camera out of my hands, I was relatively happy with this photo – at the time.
Lately, however, I have been struck with how fat my face is in this photo and have wondered if it is still as pudgy. When I look in the mirror, I think my face is thinner, but haven't been sure, so I had Jim take a similar photo of me this week.
I still don’t look quite like “me”, but I think I am starting to see myself emerging. At least I'm pretty sure this proves that I don't have quite as many layers of fat hiding my face.
Here is a photo from 1982….I was (obviously) 26 years younger (25 years old). I considered myself to be overweight, but I think this is a pretty good representation of what I really look(ed) like. (That dress was a size 9, actually. I guess I didn't have as much extra weight as I thought.)
Ignoring the face-covering lenses of my glasses, and allowing for the passage of time, what do you think? Can you see “me” in the photo from this week?
I notice that I had a much longer neck when I could wear a size 9. Never really thought about that before.....a longer-looking neck will be nice.