Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Discouragement

First of all, I want to thank those of you who faithfully check on me and those who even leave a comment or send a message saying I have been missed. Y'all bless me!

Second....yes, my son is home safe and sound. He has been home since the 21 of August. He is just beginning to look for a job and decide where he is going to live - here with us, or in the city with his brother and sister in law.

If you want a look at my day-to-day life outside of weight loss (or gain as the case may be) check out one or both of my other blogs.....the links are on the right side of this blog.

My weigh-in report is not good. This morning my weight was 216.2. Last Wednesday it was 215.8 and the Wednesday before it was 212.2. Three weeks ago I was at 213.8. So, in three weeks I have gained almost 3 pounds.

On May 8 (almost 4 months ago) I hit my lowest (so far) mark of 204.8. Of course, that was just a low point - my average weight then was more like 206. Still, that is TEN pounds less than I am today!

I swore that I would never allow this to happen.

So what has been going on? WHY have I gained?

The obvious answer is that I am eating too much of the wrong foods and not moving enough.

I do not need to flip through my food journal to find that out.

But how did I go from being a person who just did not eat chocolate to being one who 'needs' chocolate on a daily basis?

How did I go from the one who was turned off of a specific food simply because of the calorie or sodium count to one who feels deprived when she says no - when she says no?

Seriously, last fall I felt so in control of myself.....it was so easy to pass on the sweets. It was so easy to stay 'on plan'. This fall, it is totally different.

I know I have recounted different stressors in my life this year, but seriously - life is never without stress of some sort. Honestly, I have not been eating because I am stressed.....I have been 'off plan' because I've been unfocused. I have been unfaithful in writing things down. I have not been careful to drink 8 cups of water every day. I have not been weighing and measuring my food.

OK, maybe I have done SOME stress related eating.

A big change this past month has been that since Jim has been home the whole time, we have been staying up later - and watching a movie, usually. Something about sitting in front of a movie makes us want to eat. I used to 'save' specific food exchanges for evening - but I haven't been focused enough for that lately.

This all makes me think about a post I wrote last year about how I had never thought about food so much as when I was actually losing weight. I can see that I have not been thinking about what to eat, how much to eat nearly enough in the last several months.

I know WHAT to do......I just need to get back to that place where I DO it.

As most of us have discovered, that place has more to do with the mind than anything else.

I am sorry to be rather negative on this post, but I do feel quite angry with myself - and I feel again like I will never get passed this whole weight thing. I feel like I will always be a fat blob who detracts from the family pictures.

My mind tells me this is not so - I've proven that I CAN win at this game.....but my feelings seem to be yelling quite alot louder than my mind just now.

In other news......as I said, Daniel is home and looking for work. Andrew is learing to adjust to being single again. Baby Taliah is gorgeous and doing well. My daughter feels good (except for the normal sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn) for the first time in 9 months. My next granddaughter is about 4 weeks from being born. This is all good.

I've enjoyed having my husband home for the last month but we are beginning to be worried about the immediate future. The price of natural gas is at less than $3.00 per unit. The Oil/Gas company needs it to be at $4.00 in order to just 'break even'. There will be no work on any gas wells until the price goes up.

Sorry folks, but we are praying for a long, very cold winter - especially on the eastern coast of the US/Canada........the price of gas needs to go up - not only for us, personally, but for the whole industry in both Canada and the US. In Alberta, much of our economy is based on the O&G industry (mostly gas). For Jim and I......well, if there is not work in the O&G industry, a career change at this point in his life is not going to be easy for Jim. We will have to get rid of (or lose) a couple 'things' like the trailer, of course.....

This is probably the hardest thing we have going on right now. We are trusting that God will either show us favor with the O&G company so that Jim is one of the very few that continue working OR He will give us wisdom as to a new direction. Either way, it is hard not to worry.

I am going to work on FOCUS, though. I want to report a new attitude AND a loss next Wednesday.

4 comments:

Lyn said...

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. I know how easy it is to slip back into old habits. But you are aware so you can change them.

You're in my thoughts and were missed!

Shmologna said...

Struggle...I feel like that's all I do sometimes. I get so angry that I can work very hard to lose 3 lbs and not work hard to gain it back. But...3 lbs or 10 lbs...you can lose it and then some. You've shown that you can.

SeaShore said...

It does sound like you've got a very big stressor going on.

I went from not eating treats last year to having an ice cream fest this summer. It's obviously why my loss has slowed so much. I worry about gaining. I want to get rid of that ice cream monkey on my back, but that didn't stop me from saying yes to DQ yesterday.

You have proven that you can do this, so you can do it again. Baby step your way back on track.

arlene said...

Karyn, I know you need that prayer support too. That's one thing that can help us over the bumps that life sets before us. You have a few BIG bumps to scale my friend. I'm praying that you take them on one at a time, with faith and determination, and that God's hand guides you through it all. He always does!
Love you lots,
arlene