Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Picking Myself Up.....Again

I'm still hanging in here......

Actually, I've become serious again.

I had to.

The scales do not lie....even when I can still lie to myself.

I was feeling fat(ter). I thought my jeans were feeling tight. I felt like nothing fit right.

I could not see any beauty in myself again.

BUT....I told myself I was just 'feeling' like this.....I was beating myself up.....going back to my old habits of hating myself.


I really was fatter. My jeans really are tight. My clothes really don't fit as well.

The scales confirmed all my feelings of being fat again.

As I've stated before, the numbers went up to 225 point something.

That is a setback of TWO years! Not that I accomplished much in this past year, except maintaining.

Time to quit fooling around.

Time to be serious.

So.....As of April 9, I've been recording my weight, and writing down everything I'm eating and drinking. In short, I'm back on my 'plan'.

I'm not saying I've been completely faithful to the plan, but at least I can see where I am straying because I'm writing everything down!!!!

April 9 was a Friday. I weighed in at 222.6. The next Friday, I weighed 222.3 a loss of .3.

Today, I am at 222.6 again....but that is after going up to 225.3 on Sunday and coming down steadily since then.

I am a little scared.....not confident at all about myself and the 'success' of my efforts.

I learned something since Dec 2007........most of the ability to change your eating/activity habits have to do with changing the way you THINK.....largely the way you think about yourself. At least, that is what I found was true with me.

Go back to the beginning of this post.

I said I could not see any beauty in myself again. I was falling into my old habits of hating myself.

THIS is my biggest enemy.

Not chocolate. Not portion sizes. Not nachos and cheese.

The way I see myself.

When I get overwhelmed with responsibilites, emotion, unfinished work.....all of the above......I stall. I tend to do nothing, resulting in a bigger feeling of being overwhelmed which makes me feel like a big fat failure because I cannot get anything done.

It is a destructive cycle. And when I am stuck in it, I not only do not get anything done, I do not take care of myself because I am such a 'failure'........

And what do I do when I am in this cycle? I wear the same thing every day because I do not want to feel uncomfortable. And because I want comfort, I probably wear clothes that are on the baggy side and are not flattering. This makes me feel unattractive which leads me to neglect my hair and make up which makes me feel even more unattractive. Then I start to soothe myself with 'treats'.......or worse, I mindlessly eat.

This cylce is part of the reason I've allowed myself to gain back nearly twenty pounds from my lowest weight. Actually, to be fair......the cycle is mostly to blame for the last 10 pounds which has been gained over the last couple months. My lowest weight was a one day occurance so it isn't really fair to me to count it, considering I weigh daily and my weight fluctuates. So.....take 3 pounds off what I've gained.

I am determined to ignore the voices that tell me how I am not getting anything done.....I am a failure.....I am ugly...................


I will just focus on one thing at at time.

PLUS my eating.

One of the things I am doing is going back over my posts on this blog. I want to recapture the truths that I learned.....the victories I achieved and recorded......I want to learn from myself and be inspired.

I've also been reading some journal entries and I realize something.

I need to write about what I am thinking, going through, feeling. This is how I process.

I've neglected that part of me in favor of .....what? I'm not sure.

So....another overhaul of my life.

The positive things are this......
  • I am still 30 pounds less than when I first began this journey.
  • My home is free of unhealthy snacks (at least, for the most part) and full of healthy, real food.
  • My closets and cupboards are clean and organized
  • my basement is (almost) has gone from being literally stuffed with junk to being organized and clean......only a few more things to be reorganized once there are more shelves built (my son has been building the shelving but he was gone for a month)
  • My taxes are still up to date (although I have only a week or so to file on time for this year)
  • My tastes have changed.....I no longer crave red meat but rather prefer chicken (I thought this would never happen when I started)
  • I have proven to myself that I CAN take control! I do not have to be overwhelmed.

ONE of the things will be to participate more regularly in this community. I hope to be making friends with those of you who have stopped by this blog to which I have been unfaithful. I know you will be part of my continued success.


Lyn said...

I am so glad to see you ready to make changes! So excited for you. It's a great thing that you saw what was happening and stopped it before you regained all the weight and then some (which is what most of us do!)

I'll be checking on you!

SeaShore said...

Sounds like you've made a really big breakthrough. Good for you for focusing on the positives, too. We tend to get bogged down in our shortcomings, instead of recognizing and building on the successes.

Margie M. said...

I'm glad to see you posting again. Personal responsibility and not "guilt placed on ourselves" is great. It seems you are taking some responsibility for getting your "plan" back on track. Forget the guilt!!! Guilt is counter-productive. I know you can do this!!!

Margie M. writes at:

arlene said...

I'd LOVE to be 30 pounds down! You can do it Karyn. And that list of accomplishments is impressive. Keep on doing what you know to do.

MB said...

It really is all a mind game. Do the best you can under the circumstances and don't beat yourself up over the past. You should be so proud of all that you have already accomplished. Keep the faith we'll figure it all out while we're still young enough to enjoy the benefits ;)