Confession

I've been avoiding this blog.....because after a brief couple weeks of losing again, I am back up. I cannot even complain about it because I know that I am not moving enough (and I'm not even talking about the E word here) and I know I am not drinking enough water.

My eating hasn't been out of control until last night when I recieved the box of cookie dough that I ordered....I ate 4 of the raw cookies last night and one this morning.

This is cookie dough that I bought only because it was a fund raiser for a pre-school.....how do you say no to a friend, the mom of twins, who are required to raise a certain amount of money? I didn't really want it because raw cookie dough is a major weakness of mine but I'd feel like a jerk to say no. Others around me ordered several boxes....I ordered ONE.

I took a dozen of the 'cookies' out of the box - intending to bake some for Jim to have as dessert and to take in his lunch but he did not get home until after 11 pm and I wasn't going to tempt him with cookies at that time of night! I should go re-wrap them and put them in the freezer with the rest.

I'm also trying to spend less time on my computer (not too successfully - hence the 'not moving enough' comment) so have not been visiting y'alls blogs, either.

I have noticed, that many of the bloggers that began about the same time I did have 'vanished' and I haven't taken the time to get to 'know' those of you who are 'new' to me. I think I need to take some time to do so - I've always recieved so much encouragement from these blogs.

I am a little bit 'all or nothing' of a person - not enough of that quality to make me completely successful at losing weight - but enough that I feel like if I can't read all my 'usual' blogs AND comment on them , then I just do nothing. This tendency affects how successful I am at 'sticking to plan' and to exercise as well.

I just have to get past that. Maybe set my 'blog goals' a little more realistically. Like maybe read one a day - or set an hour a week aside to read several.

What do the rest of you do to make time for this rather time consuming part of weight-loss?

I also have another blog, which I've had for 3 plus years.....and another 'experimental' blog that I started at the beginning of '09. I do not know if I'll continue with that one after the end of this year, but my family has objected every time I've threatened to quit. (There are links to both these 'other' blogs at the right) I don't do as much blog reading connected to these other blogs, but I do more posting.

Part of my problem with 'time' is, I think, related to the change in my lifestyle over the past 11 months. I've gone from homeschooling AND driving all over the province to spend every 3rd week with my husband where he was working to living WITH my husband all the time away from home (in Louisiana) to moving back home where my youngest was still living with us and my husband was home for 2 weeks every 2 weeks. That lasted until Dec. 08 and I was busy, busy, busy with reclaiming my home after so much time away from it - even when my youngest 'left the nest', I did not have time to be lonely.

In January, Jim started working in Alberta again - but the work situation had changed and I can no longer go and stay with him on his worksite for a week at a time. He worked more than 80 days last winter - between January 2 and the end of March....all away from home. It took at least 2 months to realize I was floundering because of lonliness - and probably mild depression. That state of mind put me in a habit of just 'existing', mostly......I spent alot of time wasting time - which made me feel more depressed. I started to get hold of this by going to bed at a decent time and getting up early. Then things changed again.....Spring came and Jim was home for a few months....he went back to work but it was summer time - I accomplished much because I had many responsibilities regarding our 7 acres of grass and our garden.

Now, he's working all the time again and my responsibilities are mostly inside. It is much easier to procrastinate cleaning the basement than it was to mow the grass. My youngest son is living at home again, which means that there is someone here sometimes, but he is gone most evenings and has things that keep him busy all day (even if it is 'just' his online computer game). I had gotten back into the habit of staying up half the night and sleeping most of the morning away - always a destructive habit for me.

Jim has been working near home for the past week so is here at night - up at 5 am and home about 8 pm...bed by 9:30...so at least I'm back to getting up early and going to bed early. I'm still, however, stuck in the rut of spending too much time on my computer or finding a reason to go to town just to get out of my house.

My husband's job is not likely to change - I need to change the way I live in spite of the lifestyle.

Don't suggest a job for me...that would mean that I would not be available when he ISN'T working - which happens sporatically. When he is 'off', he is at home all day for anywhere from 1 day to 3 months. We do not want me to be tied to a job when we actually have opportunity to be together. Even volunteer work requires a committment of specific times.

No, I need to get off my duff and do the work that is in front of me - and there is plenty of it around here.....not to mention being available to my 5 children and 8 grandchildren. I can be busy without a job.....in fact, I have no excuse to be lonely or depressed. I have a list of projects a mile long - things that if I would just get started on, I would enjoy. Things like cleaning my basement ....yes, I'd enjoy that! I want to go through all the boxes and throw most of it out. I want to organize and make the basement into a place my grandkids can go play when it is too cold to play outside. But I always feel like I 'don't have time' to do it all at once so I never get started. Isn't that retarded? Of course I can't do it all at once - no one could.

So that is my confession....I have been wasting time wishing I had a more 'normal' lifestyle, thinking if I can't finish something right now I should just wait to start.

Stupid.

It has led to a long period of little to no weight loss....bouncing back and forth between two numbers.

I want to become a part of the accountability and encouragement of this community again.

It just occurred to me that I started to 'disappear' from the weight loss blogs when I could no longer tell you that 'it' was working for me easily. When I stopped feeling like I was changed. I'm back to feeling like a fat failure.....like I will never win this battle, even though my eating habits HAVE changed and I have no desire to go back to the way I used to eat. The battle I have not won - and only thought I had - is the battle in my mind...the way I think about myself.

Next post will be an exercise in telling myself about the victories I HAVE won.....but I must git goin.....I'm off to a 'weekend retreat' with our church. Except I'll be coming home to make Jim's supper and sleep with him - the retreat facility is only 15 minutes away from my house.

Don't be too hard on me....but don't be easy on me, either. I need to jump back into this accountability structure.

Hopefully, I'll be back on here on Monday.