weigh in

So, I've changed my weight loss ticker.  I've chosen Monday as my 'weigh-in' day because we arrived home on a monday night.

My weight this past Monday, May 23 was 235.2.....down 5.2 pounds from before we went to Zambia.

This past week and a half has been focused on trying to get my body clock back to Alberta time and also on catching up on a few things at home. 

Excuses, excuses.

Actually, my eating hasn't been bad - just not deliberate.   I focus on planning and making healthy meals - lower in fat, sodium, and carbs.  

Speaking of which, Jim is waiting for me to have breakfast together.  Don't know what I'll have, but he probably wants hash browns, eggs, and turkey bacon.

Honesty

I re-read the posts below and I feel the need to be honest about the goals I made for myself while in Zambia.

I did shop and cook for us - and we did NOT eat with the staff and students on the YWAM base more than three times - and two of those times were celebration meals and did not include nshima.   I cooked mostly roasted chicken because that is the healthiest, cheapest meat that was readily available to me.     Cooked vegetables were not as easy.....one bag of carrots tasted terrible and had to be thrown out, many of the vegetables are quite foreign and the ones of those that I've tried do not taste good to me.   The veggies that I do like (marrow, for example) is not readily available.   We did not go to the large grocery stores often - most of the fresh produce (tomatoes)  was purchased from roadside 'ntembas' - not a lot of variety there.  

I drank more Coke than I should have, I'm sure.  Zambians drink LOTS of coke!  and Fanta.  We attended 3 'parties' while there - all served Soft Drinks as the beverage.   But beyond those times, I also drank Coke on my own once in awhile.  What can I say?  It is hot.  The Coke is cold and fizzy and makes me feel less hot.  And it is cheap - which is at least partly why the Zambians drink it so much.

So, my food was not terrible.  In fact, it was passable.

Exercise......I did not even pull out the printout of the strength training exercises that I took with me.   We did not go for regular walks, although we did take a few walks.    Probably all told I walked far more than normal.

On our way home from Zambia, we spent one full day in London, England.  We planned to walk 2 1/2 kms from Paddington to Buckingham Palace.   We took a wrong turn and wound up walking about 15 kms.  Kind of made up for many of the days that we did not get up and go walking.

Maybe.

Of course, the fact that Jim was sick for 2 weeks may have had some impact on our walking plans.

Now to get an exercise routine well established before my Zambian family arrives to live with us in less than a month.  

Losses, but not in a recommended way

Well, we are home.

My husband lost 15 pounds while we were gone.  Actually, he lost it in the last 2 weeks, but I would not recommend the path he took.

He got Dystentery - which is far, far worse than food poisoning and lasts much longer.

He was in hospital on IV medication for 4 days and on a most limiting diet for two weeks - rice, yogurt, and bananas.

We saw first hand how someone who has no choice but to eat the same thing day after day will soon just not eat and eventually starve to death.  He went from eating a good sized bowl of rice (he loves rice) a couple times a day to eating only about a cup of rice a day - and maybe a cup of yogurt.  He said he wasn't hungry, but of course he needed to eat - how can a 6 ft tall 230 lb man NOT be hungry with only 2 cups of food in his stomach in a day?    But the repetition of the same bland food over and over took his appetite and his desire for food completely away.    I was very glad when he was finally able to resume eating a variety of different foods.

Anyway........obviously, dystentery and a bland repetitive diet is not a healthy way to lose weight.

For myself, well, it depends on which day you look at.  My weight has been different every day we've been home. (3 days)  At the lowest weight, I was down 7.2 lbs.   At the highest, I was still down but only by 4.8 lbs.  Today I'm in between.  

Bottom line - I did lose some weight.

The last two weeks were probably when I was doing the most losing - visiting my husband in the hospital, caring for him at home, the extra busyness of the last week, the stresses we were facing during those two weeks, the fact that many nights I just didn't cook because I would have been the only one eating......

We returned home from our week in Livingstone and stopped only long enough to pick up milk for the babies and eggs and butter for us. The next day was a very busy day at home (big party on the base) so no grocery shopping.  Jim went into hospital that night.  No time for shopping all that week.

When I finally did get to the store, as I said, there were not many nights that we all ate and I had gotten used to eating only once during the day.   

So, whatever weight I lost was not done in a disciplined manner either.

The challenge this week is to begin to eat with an eye to health and weight loss - even while enjoying the Western food we are accustomed to.  (It is different, after all)

More travel Woes Due to Extra Weight

As I sat pinned into the front seat of Vinjelu's car, I wondered how much weight I would have to lose in order to be strapped in without using the entire length of the belt, resulting in literally choking me.  I had NO give in the shoulder strap at all.   Even when I moved the seat all the way back, there wasn't enough belt to easily go around my bulk.

When I looked at the photos my husband took of me playing in the pool with the grandkids, I could see why I have this seatbelt problem.

Ugh!  Gross.

Although, my husband also made a point of telling me that my bathing suit is very attractive and I look very nice in it - when I am standing up, anyway.

What would I do without my hubby?

Watching my Weight While a Guest in a Foreign Land

Well, after 4 days in Zambia, let me report on my weight-loss efforts.

First of all, before we even got to the base, we stopped and I bought some groceries - mostly fresh fruit and veggies - and eggs.  I could not buy much for a couple reasons....beginning with the fact that 6 people,  6 suitcases, and a car seat in a compact car did not leave much room for groceries and ending with the fact that I was so tired I was in no condition to make rational decisions about food.   

So, we returned to a (better) grocery the next day.  

Before beginning that shopping experience, we had to eat. 

Zambian's LOVE deep fried chicken but Jim and I wanted to avoid those places.  (I think one reason they love it is beccause it is very cheap for a full meal) So, we chose a fast food place that flame broils their chicken - and allows substituions for the fries.  (Jim had spicy rice and I had a green salad.)

I've been cooking most of our meals and fresh vegetables are abundant and easy to get (walk up the road a few minutes and they are selling them on the side of the road) so mostly our meals so far have been pretty 'good'.

Today, we had our usual 3 eggs (2/3 whites) each for breakfast - along with some grapes and tomatoes.

Later in the morning, we were invited to go for a walk with Vinjelu's cousin, Philip (who lives with them) and the kidlettes.   

I just want to interject something about the bread that you buy in the grocery here.  (Even the good grocery store) .........  IT SUCKS!!!!   First, it is hard to find anything but white bread.  Then, if it isn't mouldy when you get it home, it will be within a day.  Third, it is so crumbly you can barely eat it.  Kath says "Oh, you have to toast it before you try spread something on it".  (No toaster in this house)   So.....this morning when we arrived at the roadside 'Ntemba' and we smelled fresh bread, we were tempted.  It's not like either of us has tried to eat alot of bread since we've been here - once for each of us - but I think the thought of such horrid bread being all that is available sent us into the arms of temptation.   One dozen BIG buns (white bread - freshly made) cost about $1.50.   I found out later these are called 'Local Buns' and are the bread the poor buy.   Such a backward place....the poor eat bread that is fresh and tastes good, the rich eat lousy bread.

Before I could pay for the buns, Philip suggested we pick them up 'on our way back'.

"On our way back from where?"  I asked

"We will go to Rocky Gardens for a coke"  he quietly replied.

OK, I guess we'll pick them up when we come back.

We walked along the side of the road (highway) for at least 2 km - not real fast since Seth was walking with us, but not dawdling, either. 

After a short stop at the 'Resort' (see description on my other blog) we started back down the road to the highway along which we would walk.    So, we walked about 4 kms today.   (And so did Seth)

Good thing, too, since those buns were DELICIOUS!!!  Especially with a small amount of Miracle Whip and a slice of fresh tomato on top.

So, lunch was not real 'diet friendly'.

Well.....there was still nearly half a day in which to get back on track.

Suppertime....

The students had asked that we eat with them tonight.  Tonight the menu was Nshima (white cornmeal) with 'Soup' , beef, and rape.  

The 'soup'  is fresh veggies cooked down to a sauce in which the beef is cooked.

The beef is what I would call Soup Bones.....not much meat, lots of bone, and too much fat.

Rape is (I think) Canola leaves which is cut up into very narrow strips.  I do not know exactly how it is cooked except that there is obviously oil involved.  Personally, I do not like it at all - it has a bitter taste to me.  But it would have been a good choice because it is, after all, a vegetable and very green.   Rape seems to be the most common vegetable.....when you are at a fast food place that offers 'vegetable' with the meal, it is inevitably Rape.

Let me tell you how to eat with Nshima......you take the hot cornmeal which has been cooked to be very stiff and pinch off a good sized piece with your fingers, roll it in your hand, put an indentation in the center, then use it to scoop up soup and rape (or whatever is on your plate).

No cutlery.

Everyone washes their hands before they eat.

It is actually pretty good, as far as taste is concerned.   I cannot see that it is real healthy.....Although pretty much ALL of Africa literally lives on white cornmeal - they all call it something different, but it is the same thing.   For most of the people, cornmeal is the only food they get most days. 

At the YWAM base, it is a staple and is served at most supper meals.  It is filling and very cheap.

Not so good for Jim and I - except as a gesture toward the culture here. 

At any rate, it was a very high carb day for us.  

Good thing we walked 4 km in the morning.

The Perils of Flying Fat

The Perils of Flying Fat


So we've been in Zambia now for about 2 days. It seems much longer because there is always something going on and believe it or not, there is little time to write on either of my blogs. I haven't even organized our suitcases yet - that is another job for today. But I don't want to let too many days go by without posting.

I have come to the conclusion that fat people should not fly - or they should at least not fly economy class.

Spending 18 hours on an airplane is hard enough when you don't have to deal with an extra 100 pounds.

First thing.......you look at that narrow seat and you wonder if you can even squeeze into it. Then, you worry that the seatbelt will not go around your belly and you will have to go through the humiliation of asking for an extender. Just buckling a seatbelt is difficult anyway - the extra fat on your arms fights with the fat around your belly and forget about trying to actually SEE what you are doing!

So, now you're settled. and you've kicked your purse or you laptop bag under the seat in front of you, knowing that getting it back will be nearly impossible because to get it, you have to bend in half in order to reach the floor (unless you have abnormally long arms) and your belly makes folding yourself in half a fantasy on the level of world peace. But you will deal with that later......you didn't really want to read that book anyway, did you?

So you sit, leaning away from your seat mate as much as possible, and holding your arms across your chest so that you don't rub shoulders (literally) with the person sitting next to you - even if that person is the one you love, you need to have some 'personal space'. You are barely in the air and the cabin crew begins to come around with beverage service. New stress.........will the food tray fit in front of your big belly? You start adjusting yourself and finding out what works BEFORE you are embarrassed in front of the svelte woman serving drinks.

Alright.......you have a food tray and you have something to drink, and you're thinking you should have ordered a double whiskey (a couple times) so you could just pass out and be unaware of the discomforts of flying.

Then the food comes. Oh man, if it wasn't crowded enough already, they set a tray in front of you with at least 3 different containers, a napkin, salt and pepper, a toothpick, and a cup. The space between your body and the food is 1 m.m AND it is in your lap (so to speak), not at table level. There is no room for you to bend forward slightly to eat as the 'normal sized' passengers are doing - if you leaned forward, you would be wearing your food. So, you lift the plate or bowl up to chest height and you spoon your food into your mouth from there, limiting the spillage.

Now you have to sit with the food tray pinning you into your seat for up to 10 minutes or more, waiting for the cabin crew to come back and collect the remnants of your meal.

Even now, you cannot relax because by this time you've been in the air for well over an hour - maybe even more than 2 hours and you MUST get up and move if you don't want your ankles, feet, legs to swell up like tree trunks. If you are smart, you have an aisle seat. If not, you have to ask your seatmate to move so you can get 'out'. This is not easy when you have so much extra bulk.

The aisle is not real easy to navigate for anyone and if you have 'extra padding' on all parts of your body it is nearly impossible to walk any distance down the aisle without having your hips bump into someone's shoulders. *Make a note that if you ever do this again, you'll get a seat beside the toilet so you don't have to go through that again*

The bathroom in an airplane is smaller than a closet - literally. Use your imagination to think about manoeuvring to pull up your skirt or pull down your jeans without falling against the folding door. *Remember 'Tommy Boy' changing in the airplane toilet??? * This is a procedure you will have to repeat often because you need to drink LOTS of water in order to help limit the swelling of your feet/ankles/legs. Oh well, you had to get up and move around anyway - for the same reason.

In between all the struggles to get in and out of your seatbelt and trips to the toilet, you find ways to distract your mind from the discomfort and humiliation. You read (if you remembered to get your book out of your bag before you kicked it under the seat in front of you) or you sleep (if you are very lucky) or you watch movies on the tiny screen in the seat back in front of you.

Air travel can be quite stressful in the best of situations - extra fat makes it about 200 times worse.

7 hours after boarding, you are finally in a room that is not like a tube - the ceiling is far above you and you can put as much space between you and the next person as you wish. You spend 8 hours watching other travellers, trying to sleep on the benches in the airport, and walking around to (every one say it...) limit the swelling of your feet/ankles/legs.

Then you start all over again as you board a craft to take you to your next destination. New plane. Same questions. Will the seat belt fit? Will I be able to pull the food tray down? How close am I to the toilet? Will I be able to sleep? What movies will be available to numb my mind? Should I order those 2 double whiskies this time? Or will the alcohol cause my feet/ankles/legs to swell even more?

12 hours later, you are racing through a different airport, trying to find your gate only to sit and wait for boarding.

This time, your flight will be only 1 1/2 hours long. (Thank God) But your heart sinks when you see that the plane you will be travelling on is miniscule compared to the ones you've squeezed yourself into up to now. You almost groan out loud when you begin to walk down the aisle and you see that these seats are at least 2 inches narrower than the seats on the larger planes. Forget the alcohol.......GOD SAVE ME!!!!!

By the time you've arrived at your final destination and the hugs and welcome from your family ease some of the indignity of air travel, you are contemplating selling your house so you can fly home first class.

I thank God that I am a pretty adaptable person.....these stresses, while very real, can be adapted to.

My husband, on the other hand, found out that he is at least slightly claustrophobic. That could be alleviated by our next trip to Africa if we both lose some weight.

Not a bad extra incentive.

Half Way Through the First Week of the "U-Turn"

My friend told me that when you get 'off track' on your 'weight loss jouney' to do what the GPS does when you get off route......."Make a U Turn at the first possible opportunity".    Thus, the title of my post.

This week has been crazy.

Besides preparing to leave for a month-long visit to Zambia, we've been dealing with flooding, taxes, and medical issues.   

For a photo of the first day of flooding, go to my other blog.

I had promised myself that I was going to do Wii Fit every day this week.    I managed to get 1/2 hour in on Monday.   Tuesday, I got the 'balance board' out, turned on the program, went through the 'body test' and did my first warm up 'game' and we got company.

We NEVER get company, just dropping in on us!  But we did on Tuesday.   A very nice surprise, although it meant I did not get my workout in because when they left, we had to hurry off to town to take care of something - I forget what.

Yesterday, we had to leave the house as soon as we got up and we did not return until bed time.

Today - well, we will see.   Winter has returned, complicating the flooding issue.   Jim has gone in to town for a final medical appointment when he returns, he may decide that we need to leave today rather than tomorrow to be sure that we can 'get out'.  We do not want the flood or the snow to keep us from getting to the airport on Friday.   If we are not rushing off, I'll be all packed so there will be time to Wii.

Food has been pretty good - Pretty close to 'on plan' for both of us.

Starting Over

It is with a heavy heart, head hanging down, and a heavy everything that I come back to you.   I've gained 20 lbs back of what I previously lost.   I swore that even if I didn't lose anymore, I'd at least NEVER go back to where I was....yet, here I am.

I could make excuses, but the bottom line is that I quit paying attention to how my food choices were going to affect my overall health and specifically my weight.

I will have to remove the "30 lbs lost" button from my blog.  For now.

I may change my weight loss approach in the future, but for now I am going to go back to the eating plan given to me by LA Weight Loss Center.  It worked before and is very adaptable to pretty much whatever situation I am in........

.......which brings me to my next point......

On Friday of this week (4 days from now, counting today) my husband and I will be boarding a plane to begin our journey to Lusaka, Zambia where we will be spending a month with our daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren.   They are missionaries with Youth With a Mission (YWAM) there and we will be living on the YWAM base in our daughter's home.   We will be providing our own groceries so mostly we can choose what we want to eat, but in the interest of community, we will also be eating with the students and staff at least once or twice a week.  Those meals will inevitably be based around nshima (white cornmeal).   

We hope to be able to go for a walk each morning before the children get up, plus I am taking a short strength training regime with me (one that needs no equipment) so even though I am 'starting over' just before leaving for a holiday, I am planning for some success.

I will not, however, be packing a scale so it will be a month before I am able to see if the numbers correlate to my efforts.  (My husband, BTW, is also making an effort to change his eating habits and get closer to a healthy lifestyle.)

So, we will see........

For today, we began the day with an 'off white' omelet cooked with various veggies and some low fat cheese as well as a side of an orange and some nuts for Hubby and some no fat, no sugar yogurt and 'fresh' raspberries for me.  (I put quotations around the word fresh because the berries were on the verge of moulding.....I could almost taste it - if you know what I mean).  Oh, I also had a high fibre muffin (homemade) which is about 100 calories.   Hubs is avoiding all carbs and sugars - I may switch to that when we come home, but I don't see that being feasible in Zambia and I am trying to set myself up for success.  (He isn't quite as susceptible to a feeling of failure and giving up as I am.)

And, now that he is off his business call out in the living room, I am going to go do my Wii Fit routine.  I can get at least 4 days in before we leave - and I know that even one day makes me feel so much stronger!

Giveaway Winners

The three lucky winners of the book reviewed below are:

Arlene

TnT

Hollie

Hope y'all get lots of good info and inspiration out of it!

Email me your addresses so I can get your copy into the mail!

GIVEAWAY....Book Review

"FAT to Skinny, Fast and Easy" by Doug Varrieur

To be honest, the title of this book kind of turns me off.....I've had it with empty promises of 'fast and easy' and 'no exercise' (which is included in the subtitle). It sounds like a K Tel commercial (does that date me, or what?). In fact, the book LOOKS like a K Tel product.....bright yellow with red lettering. Plus, you can't convince me that healthy, sustainable weight loss is either fast OR easy.

BUT....you can't judge a book by its cover, right?

In this case, no you can't.

The author begins with his personal story as 'the fat kid' through to his 'first success' (a drop from a 40" waist to a 32" waist because 'something became more important than food'). A change in his job and location, and soon he was fat again, in fact, even bigger than ever. He managed to lose 30 pounds but could never get below that weight. He came to accept that he would always be overweight.

Then his 71 year old mother came to visit. He was surprised to see that she had lost 40 lbs since he had last seen her, 6 months prior. Her secret? SUGAR CONROL.

This began Mr. Varrieur's research into the way our bodies use sugar. The result was that at about 45 years old, he lost 100 lbs and has kept it off for 5 years.

Pretty good credentials.

In the epilogue, the author states his desire to write a book that could be easily understood by even children - he wants to give people knowledge that can set them free. I think he has succeeded. In my humble opinion, a student in grade 6 could easily read and understand the basic principles which are addressed. The book educates the reader on basic human metabolism, sugars, carbs, proteins, fat storage, and which foods are 'hiding' sugar, which turns to fat.

The book is printed in large, bold type....which, although it matches the cover for 'tackiness', makes a format that results in a quick read.

According to Doug Varrieur, the basic key to going from Fat to Skinny, fast and easy is this...."Cut off the sugar and you'll cut off the fat".

But how do you get rid of sugar?

Well, he says, the first thing is to understand that all food containing carbohydrates turn into sugar. Again, he simply and logically explains insulin reaction, the carb to sugar to fat process, 'fuels' burned by your body, and the consequences of too much sugar.

Obviously, Mr. Varrieur lost 100 pounds by eating LOW CARB, higher protein. This lifestyle/eating plan worked for him.....and for many others. It also made a certain Dr. Atkins a household name. Mr. Varrieur's 'argument' for this lifestyle is well made and full of common sense.

Included in the book are lists of foods that are low in carbs - including specific brands...AND he has included the websites of these low carb brands so you can order your own supply rather than hunt for obscure brands at the grocery.

Also addressed is the 'Aspertame Question'. Rather than make a case for or against, he offers his own experience PLUS includes several websites of information on both sides of the issue so you can decide for yourself.

The book ends with 73 pages of low carb recipies which not only look delicious, but contain information and substitution ideas that would be helpful for anyone looking to decrease their calorie intake and increase their level of nutrition.

Whether you choose to adopt the low carb lifestyle or not, this book contains lots of good, scientific information presented logically and simply as well as the many good recipes.

I have three books to give away.

Leave a comment by May 26 (next Wednesday) if you want a copy. If there are more than 3 comments, I will make a drawing to determine the lucky winners. Please be sure your blog link or email is included in your comment so I can contact you if you win.

Thanks to Megan P at Sterling Publishers for sending me this book to review and offer to give away.

Week 2 (Second Time Around) Weigh In

Well, this week's weigh in has a better report. DOWN 2.5 pounds....even though I was all over the scale in the intervening 7 days, it is Friday that counts.

I kind of cratered yesterday, though.

It was an emotional day......issues with my adult children.....and at first I had NO appetite at all - felt like throwing up, actually so no problem keeping out of the food. BUT after supper there was another little issue with a different 'child' and I drowned my frustration with chocolate. Not that I have enough chocolate in the house to drown my sorrows, but I went to town and while I was at the grocery store, I bought the 'anti-depressant'. It was a big bar, too. BUT I did not eat all of it.....only 2/3's of it for a total of 360 calories. I bought and ate the chocolate fully aware of what I was doing - it was not mindless or out of control bingeing......I decided to eat it.

And, for the record....I did feel a better afterward. Dark chocolate, after all, is a natural seratonin booster - as long as you don't let the morning's weight gain make you depressed again.

I just realized I haven't weighed yet so I don't know how much damage that did overnight. Hang on......

.....UP .8

A day of clean eating will take care of that.

My daughter and SIL and 2 grandbabies have moved into my (small) house. Hubby and I moved into our 5th wheel trailer so the kids have our bedroom and the office. Since they are moving to Zambia for an extended time (as in...years) in 6 weeks, we are happy to have them so close for these last weeks. Kathryn and Vinj have decided they are going to go into town to the gym at least 3 mornings a week and I am going with them. That's what they tell me. That is, if we can find a sitter for those mornings. If there is no sitter, probably just Kathryn and I will go.

So, it seems I may begin on a workout routine finally. I'm not promising to keep it up after they leave, but let's see if the plans that have been made so far actually are followed up on.

Weighing in.

I've chosen Fridays as my Weigh-In day....so here is my report for the past week.

Between Friday last and yesterday, I GAINED .4 pounds, bringing me to 223.7. Getting serious has not resulted in big changes on the scale this time.

However......I determined to be even more careful yesterday.

I did real well until my sick husband asked me to make him a chocolate cake. I licked the spoon, which wasn't real serious.....but then I made the icing. I make great icing and of course I had to taste it as I went along to see when to stop adding icing sugar. By then, I'd opened the door to the sugar monster. I had several more 'tastes' of the icing while the cake was baking - but I shoved it aside and put it out of my mind while I began to make supper.

After supper I cut Jim a big piece of cake, added some ice cream, and then cut myself a small (less than 1 inch square) piece with half a scoop of ice cream. Oh, it was good! And it was enough. For then.

Vinjelu and Kathryn came out after supper to bring some of their things prior to moving in here next week. They were also leaving Seth here since I am babysitting him today while his parents are at a marriage seminar.

Seth, however, wasn't too happy about being left behind and I resorted to bribery to get him to stop crying for his mommy and daddy. What did I bribe him with?

You got it....Cake. (Well, he was actually ASKING for cake since his daddy went home with a piece)

Of course, he didn't eat every bite, so I finished it off for him.

Later, when Seth was asleep and Jim came out to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, I ate some of the leftover supper (hamburger and vegetables with Thai flavorings) - just a few bites, but it was beyond my 'plan'.

I went to bed, sure that the scale would be up in the morning after all my licks, tastes, and picking.

I was wrong.

I am DOWN 1.5 lbs this morning! The scale said 222.2.

Of course, the only numbers that REALLY count are the ones on Fridays.

But that doesn't stop me from being encouraged TODAY!

I will be leaving in less than an hour to go babysit my other 2 year old grandson and his 6 month old sister in the city. At this point, my plan is to take Seth with me (also 2 years old). Since Jim is quite sick, I will be the sole 'sitter for two 2 year olds and a nursing baby.

Should be fun.

Part of the Journey

As I read back over the posts I've written to document this journey I am on, I am excited to discover something......

Even though I have gained back some of those hard-fought-for lost pounds, I AM different.

I've just been reading the post I wrote about "Learning to Live" in Sept. 08. In this post, I document the 'mindset' differences I was experiencing on THIS journey as compared to the thousands of other false starts I had made throughout my life.

I realized something very positive.......my mindset is, at this moment, still different. Let me show you:

Other ten thousand times....."Here I go again, trying to lose weight. I failed in my last attempt, but if at first you don't succeed, try, try again...and again...and again."

This time......"This has been a setback, yes, but it is all part of the SAME journey. I did not expect the road to be without twists and turns, hills, potholes, and even sinkholes and detours. This is life. A little detour has not thrown me off course....I'm still headed toward the same destination. I've never gotten off the path, really. I'll get there sooner or later and I can enjoy the scenery along the way. It is not a race, it is a journey. I always enjoy the 'scenic' route better than the interstate, anyway."

I recognize that I am wiser than I was when I began more than 2 years ago....even if I'm not a whole lot smaller.

This is more of a victory for me than you might think. To realize I am not 'starting again' but am 'continuing on'. To realize that stalling out and even backtracking is all part of the journey.

I will be offering a giveaway in the next week or so......a book that I am reviewing. Watch for it.

Picking Myself Up.....Again

I'm still hanging in here......

Actually, I've become serious again.

I had to.

The scales do not lie....even when I can still lie to myself.

I was feeling fat(ter). I thought my jeans were feeling tight. I felt like nothing fit right.

I could not see any beauty in myself again.

BUT....I told myself I was just 'feeling' like this.....I was beating myself up.....going back to my old habits of hating myself.

Nope.

I really was fatter. My jeans really are tight. My clothes really don't fit as well.

The scales confirmed all my feelings of being fat again.

As I've stated before, the numbers went up to 225 point something.

That is a setback of TWO years! Not that I accomplished much in this past year, except maintaining.

Time to quit fooling around.

Time to be serious.

So.....As of April 9, I've been recording my weight, and writing down everything I'm eating and drinking. In short, I'm back on my 'plan'.

I'm not saying I've been completely faithful to the plan, but at least I can see where I am straying because I'm writing everything down!!!!

April 9 was a Friday. I weighed in at 222.6. The next Friday, I weighed 222.3 a loss of .3.

Today, I am at 222.6 again....but that is after going up to 225.3 on Sunday and coming down steadily since then.

I am a little scared.....not confident at all about myself and the 'success' of my efforts.

I learned something since Dec 2007........most of the ability to change your eating/activity habits have to do with changing the way you THINK.....largely the way you think about yourself. At least, that is what I found was true with me.

Go back to the beginning of this post.

I said I could not see any beauty in myself again. I was falling into my old habits of hating myself.

THIS is my biggest enemy.

Not chocolate. Not portion sizes. Not nachos and cheese.

The way I see myself.

When I get overwhelmed with responsibilites, emotion, unfinished work.....all of the above......I stall. I tend to do nothing, resulting in a bigger feeling of being overwhelmed which makes me feel like a big fat failure because I cannot get anything done.

It is a destructive cycle. And when I am stuck in it, I not only do not get anything done, I do not take care of myself because I am such a 'failure'........

And what do I do when I am in this cycle? I wear the same thing every day because I do not want to feel uncomfortable. And because I want comfort, I probably wear clothes that are on the baggy side and are not flattering. This makes me feel unattractive which leads me to neglect my hair and make up which makes me feel even more unattractive. Then I start to soothe myself with 'treats'.......or worse, I mindlessly eat.

This cylce is part of the reason I've allowed myself to gain back nearly twenty pounds from my lowest weight. Actually, to be fair......the cycle is mostly to blame for the last 10 pounds which has been gained over the last couple months. My lowest weight was a one day occurance so it isn't really fair to me to count it, considering I weigh daily and my weight fluctuates. So.....take 3 pounds off what I've gained.

I am determined to ignore the voices that tell me how I am not getting anything done.....I am a failure.....I am ugly...................

NOT LISTENING!!!!!

I will just focus on one thing at at time.

PLUS my eating.

One of the things I am doing is going back over my posts on this blog. I want to recapture the truths that I learned.....the victories I achieved and recorded......I want to learn from myself and be inspired.

I've also been reading some journal entries and I realize something.

I need to write about what I am thinking, going through, feeling. This is how I process.

I've neglected that part of me in favor of .....what? I'm not sure.

So....another overhaul of my life.

The positive things are this......

• I am still 30 pounds less than when I first began this journey.
• My home is free of unhealthy snacks (at least, for the most part) and full of healthy, real food.
• My closets and cupboards are clean and organized
• my basement is (almost) cleaned......it has gone from being literally stuffed with junk to being organized and clean......only a few more things to be reorganized once there are more shelves built (my son has been building the shelving but he was gone for a month)
• My taxes are still up to date (although I have only a week or so to file on time for this year)
• My tastes have changed.....I no longer crave red meat but rather prefer chicken (I thought this would never happen when I started)
• I have proven to myself that I CAN take control! I do not have to be overwhelmed.

ONE of the things will be to participate more regularly in this community. I hope to be making friends with those of you who have stopped by this blog to which I have been unfaithful. I know you will be part of my continued success.

In Which I Try to Get Out of Starting Again, Seriously

I have a few things to talk about so I am interrupting the '10 Essentials' series to just talk.

Besides, the material I use to begin those posts is packed far into my trailer.

First of all, about 4 days ago the scale read 217.

The next day it read 225.4!!!!!

I was shocked and afraid.

To begin with, how do you gain that much weight in ONE day? I went back over my food and drink intake over the past few days and could not think of what would have cause such a spike. I hadn't taken my blood pressure pills for 2 days so I thought maybe that was it....water retention. I HOPED that was it.

Well, I now HAD my pills so I took one, hoping it would bring the numbers down by the next morning.

I also was a less 'casual' about what I was eating.

The next day....224 point something. OK, it wasn't a spike, it was a real gain.

So, in the midst of everything else that was/is going on, I started to slightly adjust what I was eating.

Result.....this morning I am back down to 217.4. *heavy sigh of relief* (no pun intended)

At least I am back to where I was a couple weeks ago, if not back to my lowest weight. A downward trend, though.....that's what I was looking for. At the very least, I wanted to STOP the upward trend. (I swore that I would never regain what I had lost....although I was willing to concede that a 10 pound gain at times was realistic, I was NOT willing to gain more than that!)

I have been thinking that I would get real serious when things settle down a bit in my life but I don't know if that will ever happen so I may have to get real disciplined in the midst of upheaval. Well, this is not really an option.....I WILL have to get serious in spite of everything.

Last weekend Jim and I left home to go work in North Dakota. I know, I've been saying it would be Louisiana, but when a different offer presented itself for the US branch of the company he already contracts to AND it is only a day's drive away from home, we changed direction.

Sunday we arrived at the border. To make a long story short, Jim's visa application was denied and we were escorted back to Canada. (If you are interested in the entire story, you can read it here) Jim's would-be employers have been exploring other options and it was 'we'll let you know on Monday' then Thursday and now we are waiting on a phone call being made on Monday again. All this means we have been living in limbo.....not sure if we are staying or going. Since most of our clothing is packed in the very back of the trailer, nearly impossible to get to, we have been living with the clothes on our backs or the older items that we were leaving behind. All the papers and office equipment is also packed away in the trailer - obviously, not my computer....I had that in my car with me. All this means we have been living in 'limbo'....not wanting to start any projects or unpack our trailer just in case we need to leave again. If we do leave again, it will be on VERY short notice...possibly within an hour or two of 'the phone call' so the less we have to re-pack, the better.

So, that is the short version of that story.

If you read the post on my other blog, you will see that I was experiencing an odd pain just behind my left armpit while waiting at the border crossing. We spent a couple hours in the emergency room at the nearest hospital - making sure I was not having a heart attack or something.

The doctor who looked younger than my own 24 year old daughter was oh-so-polite when she listed my risk factors.....age, high blood pressure, and (my new favorite term) my BMI is elevated. I had a hard time not giggling when she said this. It was as if she was going to say something else but changed the wording at the last second. Must be the new PC term for FAT. LOL

Next time someone wants to mention your weight you can say "I'm not fat/overweight.....my BMI is elevated". HaHaHa So polite.

And to set your mind at rest, the ECG was A-OK. The pain was due to muscle strain (I had been cleaning my basement for 3 weeks and then spent 3 days packing my trailer).

All this has been to say that I am living in a state of unknown - you'd think I'd be used to it by now.....it has happened often enough in our lives. I feel like I cannot make any new decisions about my eating plan and I cannot begin an exercise program because I am in the midst of change.

The problem is.....with a close family of 5 children and a husband whose career is in a boom/bust industry, SOMEONE is almost always in the midst of change and it always affects me in one way or another. So it would be ludicrous to wait for a time when things settle down because things never settle for more than a few weeks at a time, it seems. In fact, back in Dec 07 when I first began to make real life changes, I hesitated beginning the program at that time since I would be flying back home for Christmas in only 3 weeks and would be staying at home for 6 weeks before coming back to Louisiana and the support system for the plan I was on (LA Weight Loss). The counsellor at the weight loss center and my husband convinced me that I should at least give it a start - even if I wasn't completely successful at implementing change during this time, I would be that much closer. I surprised myself by actually sticking to my plan very closely and by losing weight throughout that time. The weeks I was home after Christmas were busy attending new moms.....two of my grandsons were born in those weeks - 24 hours apart, actually - in different cities. Their impending births were the reason I was staying home while my hubby went back to work. It was a wonderful experience, but very difficult to stay on plan while running back and forth between the two cities and my own home. I did it then. I could do it now.

The question is.....do I go back to the same plan or do I try something different?

This question always seems to hold me back.....I am a very indecisive person.

Forget the question. Go back to the same plan. It worked. I do not have to learn something new. I just have to pull out my food scale, food journal, and probably review portion sizes, etc.

Darn. All that is packed.

Well, it is not as if I am unaware of what I should/should not be eating.....or even portions, really. I KNOW the plan. I've written it out enough times in my food journals.

Guess there is no real excuse.

Tomorrow......the scale should say less than 217.4

 

Coming to the end now.....Essential # 9

A quick recap of the previous 8 essentials to feeling your best every day.....

1. Breathe deeply

2. Drink Water

3. Sleep Peacefully

4. Eat Nutritiously

5. Enjoy Activity

6. Give and Recieve Love

7. Be forgiving

8. Practice Gratitude

 

And the Ninth Essential......

 

DEVELOP ACCEPTANCE

"When you develop the ability to identify and accept the circumstances in your life you cannot change, yet strive to make positive changes whenever and wherever you can, you will discover lasting peace and hope."

I think much of the truth of this point is related to #8.....or maybe it is a result of practicing gratitude.

In relation to weight loss, we have to first identify what we cannot change...... In my case, I am short, therefore I will never be able to 'hide' a few extra pounds. I will probably always have to work a little harder than a taller woman to keep from looking overweight. I must accept this - I cannot grow a few inches upward. BUT I do not have to be fat! I CAN change that.

More importantly, as I have discovered, is to accept ME, the way I am - extra pounds and all.

In all my diet and gain lifestyle, hating myself because I was not thin enough or could not keep off the weight I would lose, I just kept struggling.

It took a long time, but over a number of years - and with the help of my hubby - I slowly came to an acceptance of who I am and learned that it had nothing to do with what I looked like. ( At almost 50 years old, it was about time, I'd say.) Oh, I still hated the fat and what it did to me, but I no longer hated ME and no longer beat myself up for all the mistakes I had made over the years.....beginning with never liking the way I looked - even when I only had 25 lbs to lose.

I am convinced that I would never have been able to make lasting changes without this acceptance of who I am right now and what brought me to this place - mistakes and all. I am not talking about making excuses for yourself, just accepting that you did what you did.....NOW it is time to stop doing that and to begin doing something different so you get different results.

I know that I am not exactly a poster girl for weight loss - the lowest weight I have recorded since beginning this journey was down 48 pounds. THAT is a wonderful feeling! I have since gained about 10 pounds of that back.....over 13 months. Thirteen stressful months.

In spite of that, I do not feel out of control.

I do not feel defeated.

I know that a few small changes to my lifestyle will start me on a downward trend again.

I have accepted that I stopped being as careful about my food intake, that I stopped counting how much water I was (not) drinking, that I had not implemented an exercise program into my life, and that I got lazy about recording my food each day. That is what I did. There were reasons.....other things that began to take priority (whether they should have or not).

That is life.

BUT I do notice there are differences in me today from the me of 2 years ago.....I do not reach for the same kinds of foods. I am not easily tempted at the grocery store by the sweet stuff. I drink more water and eat more vegetables. I cook differently....more real food, almost no processed food. I eat more regularly and less at one sitting. Obviously, since I've gained weight, I'm eating more than I should...but there HAVE been lasting changes.

Here is something else I need to accept about myself......I am not naturally a disciplined person - I tend to 'go with the flow' a little too easily. There are positive things about that quality as well as negative. The fact does not make me a bad person, it just means I have to focus a little more on schedules and plans. I know people who never have to look at a clock....they always know exactly what time it is and what needs to be done at that hour. They are never late, never let a phone call or an email distract them from getting into their vehicle and making an appointment. Me? I need to have a clock in every room of the house - plus one on my wrist - AND I need to be constantly looking at the clocks or I am totally unaware of the passage of time. Like I said, there are positive aspects to this part of who I am, but it does not help in the 'stick to the plan' part of my life.

Once I have some momentum, I can implement a plan real well - it is the getting started (or re-started) that is hard for me....the stage that requires discipline.

Do I beat myself up about this?

Not if I want to ever succeed.

Not if I want to live in peace with myself.

I accept the fact and then DO WHAT I CAN to work around those facts or, in some cases, even change the facts. Some things are not written in stone.

My husband has taught me a little sentence that has helped me through many situations where I would tend to bemoan the facts.....or kick myself for a wrong decision.....and just sit in the same place, feeling bad about either myself or a situation.....

"It is what it is"

That is the only starting point. If you cannot accept that 'it is what it is' you will never be able to go forward.

You will never be able to identify what can and what cannot be changed.

You will never be able to begin to change those things that are changeable.

Accept yourself for who you are....inside, first of all.

Accept yourself for what you look like....and the reasons you have gotten to this point.

Accept your shortcomings.

Embrace your good points. (Sit down and make a list of those)

Accept your life situation.

It is what it is.

NOW....sit down and decide what CAN be changed with a little effort. (Or, maybe a lot of effort)

Make a plan to bring about those changes.

Everyday, strive to implement the plan.

NOTICE the positive changes you are making.

Essential #8

Good morning, all!

My hubby is working close to home for a few days, so I was up early this morning to get his breakfast and fix his lunch. As I walked down the hall toward the kitchen, I noticed something extra on the hall table.

I turned on the light and found a long, cylindrical package laying at the edge of the table with a note behind it......"I love you, Mom....your baby"

I smiled at the thoughtfulness of my almost 21 year old baby as I unwrapped a lovely white rose.





What a nice way to start the day!

Almost as wonderful.......he had taken care of the garbage when he got home at nearly midnight.

Let me explain....

I've been cleaning the basement. Did I mention that in the last post? This has been a huge job, resulting in piles of garbage. We have a large garbage bin (the type you see behind restaurants, etc) and normally I call in for pickup every 6 weeks or so. Well, I filled the bin and called to be on the list for the next two pickups. Problem is - they only come around every 2 weeks. So, last week, after they emptied the bin, Daniel took the garbage I had piled up in the basement and filled the bin again. The garbage truck was probably not too far away and the bin was already overflowing again. I pointed out to Dan that we needed to be able to put the household garbage in the bin so he'd have to take some of the 'other' garbage out. (the household garbage, naturally, needs to be out of reach of the dogs and coyotes and skunks and foxes and whatever other animal is attracted by it) The basement garbage would be of no interest to any but mice - and they wouldn't spread it around the yard. Dan said he would take care of it.

As of yesterday, I do not know what he had done, but the bin was full to the top. I emptied the garbage in the kitchen and then cleaned my fridge - resulting in another bag of garbage. I am too short to reach into the bin and pull out some cardboard or a box or whatever needed to come out in order to put the kitchen garbage IN, so I left Dan a note asking him to take care of it when he got home. (We were in bed and asleep LONG before Daniel got home)

My point is this......I got up early and was blessed by not only my son having done a distasteful job in the dark (our yardlight doesn't work) but by a token of his thoughtfulness and love.

I am a lucky girl......

Which brings me to Essential Number 8.....

PRACTICE GRATITUDE

"Sincere gratitude will lift and inspire you. Recognizing and appreciating all you have empowers you to find and express true joy."

There is Biblical truth to this statement. The Bible instructs us to "Thank God, no matter what happens" . There is always something to be thankful for.

One of the things that I have done in my life to cultivate appreciation and thankfulness for the 'little things' in my life is to make note of something each day that blessed me in some way - it could be something someone said or did - or it could be the way the sun made the frost on the trees glitter - or I could have purposely appreciated some everyday item such as my dryer....or clean water to drink....or fresh food to eat.

I was working on this habit when I found a 'meme' in blogdom.....hosted by Living to Tell the Story, a group of people regularly participate each Friday by listing 5 of their favorite things from the past week. I, myself, participate in this each week on my other blog....Musings from Me I suggest you consider making yourself notice the little things and appreciate them. If you know God, thank Him for these blessings in your life. If you do not recognise Him, then at least recognise the beauty and the lovliness in your life. Either way, some weeks it is hard to find five things to be thankful for. Some weeks it seems impossible and I have been tempted more than once to just not participate. But you know what? When I sit down and make my mind think along the lines of gratitude, I always find at least 5 things - often more - and suddenly, the 'tough week' doesn't seem so bad.

When you have made a habit of gratitude, it is easier to face the difficult things with thanksgiving.

In my own life, I am facing many challenges just now - it would be easy to wallow in the negative aspects of all the changes because they are easy to see. But having been practicing to find the blessings in life, I have easily found te things to be grateful for in my challenges......

1. My daughter, SIL, and 2 grandchildren are moving to Zambia in 3 months. They will be gone indeffinately and I do not know when we will be able to be together again for a visit. This fact breaks my heart because I have a close friendship with my daughter AND my SIL and am bonded quite closely to little Seth and Taliah. Since I cannot change their plans, I CAN be thankful that I am not putting them on a train to travel to the coast to board a ship that will take them on a weeks or even months long ocean journey to the coast of Africa then have to journey by cart or foot to the landlocked country of Zambia. This is what parents of missionaries a couple generations ago faced. Months, even years, without communication from their loved one. So.....I am SO thankful they will be flying - and will be able to communicate with me at different points on their journey. I am thankful for SKYPE through which we will be able to communicate 'face to face' with the babies (if I have to pay for it myself, they will have internet at their home). I am thankful we can chat, email, telephone, almost whenever we want to (Since they've been there before, I know what to expect). I am thankful they have been saving their money and sending it to the YWAM base to have a house built....they will have their own home by the time they get there. They may not have a bed, but they will have a house. I am also thankful for their hearts desire to live with the poor and teach them how to make their lives better. Even though that desire takes them away from me, I am thankful for it - because it is what makes them who they are.

2. There looks to be little work for my husband after this next week or so - until at least fall. He also was home for more than 2 weeks in the middle of the season where we make most of our income for the year. This is a pretty shaky position to be in......BUT there is something to be thankful for here, as well. The 2 weeks he was off? Those 2 weeks were utilized by head office to make personnel cuts. SIX people from Jim's department were let go. He wasn't. VERY thankful for that. I am thankful that his immediate supervisor is an honest guy who has known Jim for more than 20 years and is willing to 'tell it like it is'. He doesn't make promises he cannot keep.

I'm also very thankful that Jim has a job to go to while the industry is depressed here at home - he has been asked to return to the company he worked for in Louisiana during the winter of 07/08. Providing the person at the boarder grants him a visa allowing him to temporarily work in the US, we will be 'moving' to LA for at least a few months.

There is much that I do not like about this plan - primarily that we will be away for most of the little bit of time we have left with our daughter, etc. But also, we do not like being so far away from any of our kids/grandkids. That is a big deal to us. Then there is the hassle and expense of maintaining two households from a long distance away. Also, I am afraid of the tornadoes NW LA gets in large numbers (to me) and of the poisonous spiders I need to be on the lookout for. Then there is the weather......The winter was lovely, but to hear the natives talk, they absolutely HATE summer weather. For a girl from Alberta where the humidity is normally very low and the temperatures in the summer do not ever reach 3 digits, the thought of over 100 degrees F with 100% humidity is a little daunting.

BUT there is much to be thankful for here, as well......beginning with the opportunity. It is not an 'overseas' job where my hubby would have to go by himself and work in an area that is hostile to our western culture. I get to be with him. This is the biggest blessing of this arrangement - we have a 'normal' life in that my husband comes home at night for supper every night. That alone, makes eveything worth while. Another blessing is that I end up with lots more 'creative time' since there are little demands on me and I do not have to include 1 hour travel time in any shopping exercise. I am also thankful that we will be returning to the same area.....we are familiar with the area and fell in love with the people and the culture of NW LA. We didn't make alot of friends, but there are at least 2 ladies that will be happy to see me. AND we'll get a chance to see the things we 'meant to' see but ended up leaving before we got to them.

These are just 2 of the major events going on in my life just now.....and the things I've found to be grateful for in the midst of them.

Truly, cultivating a habit of gratitude....of noticing your blessings....of stopping to enjoy the color of a flower or the sparkle of frost.....brings joy to your life - even in the midst of difficulties. Most especially, if you know to thank GOD for the good things in your life, your burdens will be lighter.

Try it, you'll be surprised at how many blessings are in even a difficult situation.

I recommend joining in with the Friday's Favorite Five exercise at Living to Tell the Story.

No real change in my weight this past week.....well, actually, I was down 2 pounds for 3 days but today I'm back up to the 217 mark. Could be a one day spike, could be an actual gain. Either way, it won't stay there long!

Update on Me and the 7th Essential

I have not been very faithful to posting on this blog. A lot has been happening in my life of late.

If you are one of those who also read my other blog, you will be aware of these things.

First, we are facing a summer and fall of no work for my hubby. He works in the Oil and Gas industry and the company he is contracted to is in a position to lose much money this year. As a result, they are not doing any new work. Well, they haven't done any new work for nearly a year. Jim's been working on abandoning and maintaining existing wells. This work is beginning to peter out as well. We've been told we can expect no more than 3 - 5 days a month until October, then for 3 months there will be work and in January 2011 things will shut down again. In the midst of this, he recieved a call from the company he worked for in Louisanna during the winter of 07/08. They want him back.

This, of course, is good news.

We feel that we are to go ahead and make preparations to take that job but we have not made a firm decision.

IF the officers at the boarder grant him his temporary work visa, living in Louisianna is not our first choice. Not that we have anything against Louisianna (except the weather in the summer) but it is SO FAR away from our family. On the other hand, we loved our time there and loved the culture and people as well. But it is not our home and our family is here.

Most of our family, anyway. That is something else that is happening......my daughter and her husband will be leaving for Zambia on June 15, taking 2 of my grandchildren with them. I do not know how long they will be gone, but it will months - if not a year - before we see them again. If we take the job in LA, we would be leaving about March 15, taking much of the precious time we have left with them here at home.

Whether we leave or not, there is much to do to get ready...besides the visa preparations. Our trailer needs some work on the brakes before we pull it across the continent...the furnace/air conditioner needs repair....and it will need to be 'packed' with our clothing and the things we use on a daily basis - including materials for me to engage in hobbies to keep me busy while Jim is at work. I will need to work out a system with someone here at home for keeping the bills paid here in Canada.....At least we've done this before, but I think the system could be much better - still need to think on that one. I have an ongoing list of things that need to be put back into the trailer and things that we would want to have with us.....once we are there, we will be traveling back and forth by plane, so whatever we take now is what we will have. Since I'll be driving my car down, and Jim will be driving his truck and pulling the trailer, I need to have new tires put on my car and make sure all maintanence work on both vehicles is up to date for the long trek.

There is a big weekend farewell campout/party for Vinjelu and Kathryn scheduled to be held at our place on the long weekend in May. We will have to be here for that, of course. Vinj and Kath will take care of most of those details, fortunately.

My basement has been STUFFED full of 'stuff' and boxes and bins to the point that it is completely unusable. I made a goal to have it purged and cleaned before the party so that if the weather is not nice, there is a place for the various children to play.

Now, with our departure date coming before that time, I've been working frantically to have it completed before we (possibly) leave.

You might wonder why we would NOT take a confirmed job offer when there is no work in our own province....well, you have to understand one principle.....nothing is ever for sure in the oil patch - except that nothing is ever for sure. We do not want to go to the extra expense and all the hassle of maintaining two households thousands of miles apart and in two different countries and then find that we could have worked at home.....this is something Jim has to weigh. Fortunately, he is a man who knows how to hear from God. And God, our Father, knows the end from the beginning. He will direct us.

All this to say that my days have been full.....mostly working in the basement.....for the past few weeks. I am hoping to have all the boxes purged by this weekend then have my kids come over and go through the stacks of things in my 'give away' piles before packing them up for me to take to GoodWill. I'm sure there will also need to be a trip to the dump since our garbage pickup only comes by every 2 weeks. They were just here today and emptied my bin but I have enough garbage stacked to almost fill it again already. Normally, with just household garbage, we only need pickup every 6 weeks or so.

Also, I just realized that Kathryn has a trip to BC planned for next week to visit her good friends there. That means that 5 of the few days I have left to spend with her she will be gone....so, I am going to take a few hours each day to go visit her - meaning I'll have to work later into the evening in order to meet my goals. (She planned this trip before news of our possible departure)

Can you tell that I dread having my kids living on the other side of the world? I do, although I am settled in my heart that this is what they are called to do right now. They will be working with Youth With a Mission in Lusaka, Zambia...running schools and working in Community Development as missionaries. Kathryn has a plan for a couple businesses.....photography and making/selling cloth diapers. They hope to be able to become self-sufficient through these ventures. As well, they have their music....they write and perform a unique blend of lyrical and rap songs. (They have one song for sale on iTunes.....look up 'Weeping' by Another Way and download it to your computer or iPod) They will be working toward having their music provide for them as well. When they will have time to do Community Development and YWAM schools, I do not know, but this is the way they live here, too.....always with far more involvement and projects than 4 average couples.

My oldest kids have purchased a house. They will be moving in a few days after we leave (if we leave). This is something else that is pulling at us.....to miss out on such an important event will be very sad.

My second son has applied to the city police force. He has been preparing for this application for a year now. If accepted, this will mean big changes in their household. We like to be around for our kids at the crossroads of their lives.

My third son is in a hard place right now....harder for us than for him, I think (unfortunately). He has discarded the faith in which he was brought up in order to please himself. The event that precipitated this change was the abandonment by his wife of 5 years. It has been nearly a year since she walked out (with no warning) and he's had a rough time of it - including losing his house. It would be hard to be away from him at this time. At least he will have his older brothers.

Our youngest, at nearly 21, had plans to move into his own place in town for the first time. We've had to ask him to put those plans aside so that there is someone living in our house while we are gone. He will have responsibility for our dogs and for the yard (no small thing in the spring/summer). I feel bad leaving him saddled with this, but I am thankful that he is a loving, giving man who looks only on the positive side of this arrangement. He is just entering manhood and his closest confidants are his sister and BIL - who are leaving for Zambia.....and if we are gone too.......I guess I just have to trust God. And him. And his brothers and SsIL.

Have I convinced you that there are good reasons to not want to be so far away?

There are reasons to look forward to the adventure, though....as I said, we loved LA - the people especially. We loved taking 'mini holidays' to see places and things that are almost foreign to us. We loved having the time all to ourselves - with few responsibilities to distract us from our own relationship. I would have time to scrapbook, write, paint, study.....all the things I want to do but cannot seem to find the time for.

We are trusting in the leading and direction of God.....and will put our children in their various places of life into His hands.

With all the hours I've been spending in my basement, I've not felt like cooking for myself and have not been eating well (or much). The other day I took time to cook a meal (with leftovers for another meal) for myself. The numbers on the scale came down immediately. I know this about myself.....if I don't eat enough, I gain or stall out. As soon as I eat more normally, I begin to lose again. What I really need is a maid/cook to look after these every day tasks while I tackle the big project downstairs.

Anyway, that is a brief update on what is going on in my life, now on with the next 'essential to feeling your best every day'

NUMBER 7.....

Be Forgiving

" By forgiving yourself and others for past and present mistakes, real or percieived, you will gain freedom from negativity and guilt that will strengthen you and those you love"

Forgiveness is an important aspect of a peaceful, happy life. The well-known prayer that Jesus taught his disciples says "Forgive us our tresspasses, AS WE FORGIVE those who tresspass against us." Many passages in the New Testament instruct us on the importance of forgiveness to our relationship with God.

Even secular writings and wisdom emphasize that in order to be really happy, we must let go of the past...forgive, in order to be emotionally healthy.

A lack of forgiveness leads to bitterness, which eats at your mind, your heart, your soul....and even your body. Yes, bitterness can lead to disease.

One thing that stood out to me in the paragraph I quoted above is "by forgiving YOURSELF..."

I think this is something that those who struggle with weight have a problem with. At least, I've had this problem. We beat ourselves up for the choices we've made that led to our current weight problems. We trash talk ourselves for 'slipping up', for 'sabatoging' our own efforts. We do not like ourselves because we are fat.

We do not forgive ourselves for being what we are.

The fact is......It is what it is.

I made bad choices over the last 40 odd years. I got fatter and fatter. I beat myself up over this more every year. I could not forgive myself for not being a trim, slim, in shape person.

It was not until I forgave myself for my stupid mistakes and behaviors.....and especially for harboring unforgiveness toward myself that I began to be able to take some control of my lifestyle in regard to eating.

When I begin to beat myself up, to be unforgiving toward myself, I turn to those foods and behaviors that made me fat in the first place.....I tell myself it is 'comfort', but really, it is punishment because 'I am a bad person' to let myself get fat.

Last night, I came to a box of my clothing that I had kept, hoping to one day 'get into' again. As I pulled out the dress I bought for my daughter's baby shower almost 25 years ago, I was shocked at how small it was! Holy Smoke! If I could have had a forgiving heart toward myself at that time, I might have gotten even smaller - and I most likely would NOT now be struggling to lose another nearly 80 pounds to just get to a size that will probably not be much (if any) smaller than I was then.

Let's take this 'essential' to heart.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive those who caused you enough hurt that you turned to food for 'comfort'.

Forgive those who taught you bad habits or contributed to your bad habits.

Forgive and live.

PS....I did NOT keep the dress - or most of the other things in that box.....when I get down to my goal weight, I'm buying an ALL NEW wardrobe, not pulling out 25 year old clothes! (I put away money each month toward that day)

NUMBER SIX

Or, as my daughter would say...NUMBA 6.



The next 5 essentials to feeling your best everyday may surprise you. The first 5 had to do with physical health....



Breathe deeply

Drink Water

Sleep Peacefully

Eat Nutritiously

Enjoy activity



MOST of those are no-brainers to those of us who have spent any time at all in an effort to change our life style and lose weight.



But.....



There is a topic that has been discussed here and there on some of your blogs - the fear of being thin and the resulting self sabotage. (An 'unhealthy' state of mind.)



Also, consider this.....does being thin and fit make you necessarily feel your best?



Will being thin make you feel good inside and out?



Are thin people happy and healthy people because they are thin?



Can you feel great BEFORE you are thin?



The answer to all these questions is, of course, that we are not just a body. We need to care for our bodies, yes, but we also need to care for our 'inner person'...... our emotional being..... our spirit.



In my humble opinion, our 'spirit man' suffers when we do not care for our bodies BUT our bodies also suffer when we do not care for our 'spirit man'. We are complex beings.



So, with that in mind, I continue with the list of 'Ten Essentials to Feeling Your Best Every Day."



#6 GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE



"As you give and receive love, freely and generously, you will be blessed with meaningful, lifelong relationships and cherished memories that will bring joy in happy times, and strength and peace in difficult times"



Most of us have someone we love.....a spouse, significant other, child, parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, friend, pet....



I challenge you, however, to think of love not as something you feel for someone, but as something you do and live.

You can live love all the time, giving love to every person you come in contact with because love is not just hugs and kisses and a special feeling. Yes, it encompasses those things, but it is so much bigger.

Love is actually more a verb than a noun.....it requires action.

You can live love by being patient and kind with each person you come in contact with.... including the jerk who cut you off in traffic. Even harder, we live love when we are patient and kind with our children and husbands no matter how 'jerky' they are.

We live love when we are unselfish.... when our focus is not on pleasing ourselves, but on serving others.

Read 1 Corinthians 13 for the classic and most concise description of Love.

Note that this 'essential' is not only about giving (or living) love, it is also about receiving love. Sometimes we have a hard time letting someone love us.....I'm no psychologist, but I know there could be hundreds of reasons to reject love - just as there are hundreds of reaons we withold love.

In order to really be healthy and happy, we must be able to live love and recieve love.

We can do this no matter what size our jeans are.

Without this essential, it won't matter how skinny you are - you will not be truly happy.

With it, our happiness is not dependant on the scale and let's face it......a person who is truly happy and full of love is one that others want to be around.

Essential #5

The Fifth Essential to Good Health is....

ENJOY ACTIVITY

"Your body was created to move - and move often. Activity increases your circulation, speeding oxygen, nutrients, and water to your cells. Your Lymphatic System requires activity to purge your body of deadly toxins. Activity also triggers your brain to release health-giving hormones and enzymes, which lift your spirit while they bolster your immune system. A small investment in daily moderate activity will enable you to reap tremendous health benefits." (from the TriVita philosophy.....see post on Essential #1 for detail)

If you have been around this blog for awhile, you know that 'Exercise' is not something I easily incorporate into my life. My passions are all sedentary....reading, learning, crafting, art, photography, writing. HOWEVER, it is not that I do not like exercise, because when I actually discipline myself to get started on some kind of exercise routine I enjoy it quite thoroughly. I think the problem is in the sentence before where I note my 'passions'. Exercise (or activity) has never been a passion in my life. I'm not a person who absolutely MUST be outside or who LOVES to play golf or walk or swim or garden even. (It is no wonder that I've spent my entire life battling extra weight.) Because it has never been a passion, I am easily 'derailed' from my routine.

Here's a thought, though......if I've spent my whole life trying to lose weight, and EXERCISE has been something I've been told I must do in order to lose that weight, then how could it ever be any more than a discipline? Something I HAD to do, whether I wanted to or not. Nobody had to tell me, as a child, to go out and play Run Sheep Run with the other kids in the neighborhood....or go ride my bike for miles every day, exploring the town and visiting my friends. (Of course, I was a child many years ago - it was safe for kids to have more freedom in the 60's) No, I was active without being told to be active. I was having fun, not 'exercising'.

As I grew into my teens, it was no longer 'cool' to be running around or riding my bike all over town and I began to put a little weight on. It wasn't a whole lot, really, but I felt like I was huge.....too fat to go swimming. Too fat to play ball. Too fat to ride a bike or go hiking or any number of things that would have been fun. So, because I thought I was too fat to be active, I gradually became too fat.

During this whole time, the only kind of activity I felt even close to comfortable with was what was considered 'weight loss exercise' because of course, you are never too fat to lose weight, right? But the exercise classes, gym memberships, home gym equipment all served to emphasize to me what I thought I knew.....I was too fat, and (as my blog title says) a failure.

Exercise became a punishment for being fat.

What if I could change my mind about activity/exercise? What if my focus wasn't on how much weight I might lose or how many calories are burned, but on the health benefits of activity. (As the above quote focuses on) Would I begin to think differently about movement?

A HEALTHY lifestyle is my goal, afterall, not a specific weight.

I've never thought about how activity aids my body in the work it was meant to do (other than making my muscles stronger). Everyone has heard that exercise increases the 'happy hormones' that 'lift your spirit', but I've never heard before that exercise actually boosts the immune system.

There's a new H1N1 remedy.....exercise.

Want to avoid having colds this winter? Go for a walk.

Want to 'cleanse' your body of toxins? go dancing.

Feeling depressed? Ride a bike.

Want to live longer? Exercise.

I'm not saying I won't use the exercise equipment, weights, or DVD's.....just that maybe if I start to focus on the health benefits more than the feeling of exercise being a 'punishment' for being fat, just maybe I can become a person who includes some kind of activity in her list of passions.

How about you? Is exercise a passion or a punishment for you?